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midst of...

2011-05-07T16:13:00.003+08:00

HOLA!!!

i have work a record breaking 6 months in my new work place as @ 08/05/2011, 6 months more to completion of contract..

coming to an end of my first semester of degree.. hmm it is a "momento" of drowning when i have procrastinate my "deberes" to the much extended date.

just had the 2nd lesson of spanish! "perfecto" love it..!! haha... next i am plannin to go diving this month end.. then rush my driving license which i have so procrastinated =| haha... oh well..

i did a informal psy test recently.. and i am so called.. high oh E(go) and I(d) and none on S(uperego).. that is amazing.. but it did explain to me clearly why i am so into making sense of things.. then whatsoever..

nonetheless it will just be a update of my life.. .as a none direction path but to complete whatever is necessary =p love life.. love experience.. the job of learning.. cheers

leonard ng the life guard ^^

2010-10-10T23:24:00.003+08:00

ahaha i found out what is the perfume brand!! sadly not armani =x... it is joop! jump n body shop purple bottle..i wan go buy!

walking 太多冤枉路

2010-09-23T21:15:00.002+08:00

in this life i have walk many unnecessary path..fish is there already..start to cherish..not too bad liao dont complain..
studies is there jus that it is part time so maybe cant go overseas liao .. be more understanding..cant complain much?
flute is my interest jus that i slack too much... find time practise or buy a nice flute and work hard on it..
things i shd had done.. continue my flute grading and studies.. stop quitting on all my job, or job hop =_=

I'm good at nothing

2010-09-16T23:41:00.002+08:00

hmmm recently not doing anything but crazily indulge in tanning and swimming.. getting back my nice tone.. b4 the skin sheds... hmmm i see nothing in life i truly like.. the love for band is fading though it is there but not longer stronger.. the desire to roam the work is at its peak.. seeking my meaning in life is of utmost importance this instance!

I see myself falling to the cycle of study and getting a job.. work all my life =_=.. or if lucky open business and what? still working ...I know i am a hard to get along with type of person.. lousy character, demanding, selfish, self centered.. act smart..stingy..full of flaw.. internal and external.. short fat ugly talk too much.. and I am not str8..getting myself in the wrong relationship as a third party with fish..la~ssssss.. but yeah.. there you have it.. ur mr Tan Bai Xiang Tony..

receive both enrolment offer letter from Edith Cowan University and Murdoch University. So sian..

31 oct.. if my mum is not gonna settle school fees.. here i am singapore.. getting bored as i am back here.. worse then the times in europe..i see no meaning here.. like.. totally meaningless.. like is a stand still. no excitement but the only looking forward to a big sunny day where i can secure a nice tann and enjoyable swim..

so much to say and type but nothing is goingthrough my brain.. life is meaningless for me now.. totally black.. no light..hate this period..

TOP!

2010-09-05T03:33:00.002+08:00

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hate it totally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wth!! one shd nv make a mistake in life.. no i shd say one shd always make sure u are the top! if not life will jus not make it friendly for u...i am jus being negative.. now! hahaaha.. thanks a fren i know from 2 days work for singing song to cheer me up really more positive now.. things are jus there for us to work for.. we need to go for it.......!

...coming home is sad

2010-09-04T23:27:00.004+08:00

hmmmm...family meeting.. meeting say to pay 80 per person per month.. haha..

hmmmm they buying the maroon toyota pinic....hmmm... eh...high chance

very sleepy now.. wanna sleep but got lock out =_=!!

tml the band cannot go again?...mum say hmm after i think through like abit hard to let u go more than a year.. stop f-ing my brain.. jus wanna commit suicide.. stop the nonsense..

even jay say u like floating not realistic.. hmmm alright.. sigh..
so yeh..wait till next yr then i will know what the outcome... my hse is a mess! totally.. i hate cominig back.. should have stayed overseas!i hate home..it is not warmth at all..

a man with everything and nothing

2010-09-03T13:34:00.002+08:00

my life is full of uncertainty.. me, fish,my family, my education, everything...how ironic that i have them and at the same time no..

mum jus quarrel and decide no go to aust.. no go.. for all she care..

when my brain is much clouded..i will halt full stop to my life...

eh..

2010-09-01T00:09:00.002+08:00

i am jus not good with title.. why must we have title lol..

anyway i have been crazily working midnight for sat and sun to get merely 100? lol.. at ntu yov..sai kang warrior..

applied for uni and attend their exhibits...hmmm in the end i nv sign up any..cmon i already sign up curtin, murdoch, edith cowan, deakin n maybe monash.. hence i dont see the need to sign up wa..etc

i got offer from ecu already as my agent forward to me..hmm..still waiting...for their assessment on my advance standing =

didnt apply uwa as they were really hostile when i approach them on that day.. is it because they got too much ppl? hmmm haiz seriously.. saded...

but when i told ppl i didnt apply uwa..they all treat me like idiot
..."uwa is Go8 and the best in W.A. and u didnt apply.?" so the rest of the uni are shit? pls lor...haiz...damn turn off to know this ppl who are go after branded.. meaning only top brand stuff can be use..? so if they are top brand i am lousy brand i get 100% they got 50% the boss will stick to good brand or good grades?

went to see car today.. toyota pinic i think..chances of buying seem to be high.. hmm... ask her abt school fees she ignore.. came home my dad acted like =_= again... say =_+ to me again.. win liao lor.. =_= since young still not enough..

GOd pls let me go ba...sick & sad

how i wish i was dead in europe or at least i have the courage to drown of in one of the nice lake..

hmmm..

2010-08-27T01:27:00.002+08:00

everytime i got so much time for myself i love it n hate it. love the freedom.. love the 不用担心不够时间，就很自由自在！可是也是该想想以后了。一路以来都有去想，只是自己还是选择了慢慢从生活中领悟其中的奥妙。

现在到了23 岁还是这祥的钓饵拦挡，哈哈！
also dont know how firm my mum gonna push me to go overseas.. study to be a better man or to be getting some paper where i can get in singapore? i am definitely sure it is also for the exposure that i can absorb through all this seeing n experiencing?

now choosing between going to LA santa monica to start all over again? at the community college or maybe australia being hopefully that i can get some exemption.

maybe i am asking for alot.. i wan to be recognise to be known. not jus sogging alll my life in purchase of nothing? chasing dream? what is my dream?..now that i keep thinking through i got none? haha i jus wan a nice island with blue clear sea.. cool weather nice sun and tann all day long and swim.. snorkel n maybe jus drink? music at night.. with all the nice grill..the smell of it all..amazing..i dont want to work all my life nor jus open a shop be boss what so ever..but able to achieve that is like non stop working and maybe have some establishment to support it. DAMN!

so usa? where all the chance and opportunity are? but u gotta stay 5 years to get the green card b4 u are stable..n u will always be 2nd class if not in singapore...? australia stable..relax but can it be boring too?
what do i really wan? sit on the rainbow,ride the wave? lie on the deep blue sea and soar amongt the ray? lol.. i am a joke.. no wonder my fren call me trash?..useless not worth bashing..jus be thrown n not be mention or thought about..may i be recycle n be of great use. lol

sigh

2010-08-25T04:04:00.001+08:00

felt terrible..hope it is not another onf..i didnt mean it to be that way..

feel like the past

2010-08-24T01:44:00.002+08:00

recently kinda cool/crazy? did my eyebrows?! can u believe it.. skin peel like snake..haha obviously my mum always say u and ur best pal always up to interesting thing.. and the latest is to work 4 days in ntu for yog hopefully we get the midnight slot.. but j"s parent abit ###!@U)@# about it.. haiz..

Jus check my junk mail.. notice quite a few impt mails! hmm one of it is my agent telling me she got this school that she can help me with the application.. santa monica! i am totally over the moon! going to call her tml and ask her to help me apply! LA!!! hmmm maybe this is the only way i can move on.. i dont understand what fish wans.. neither do fish knows so it is..jus hanging there.. alright lets not go there

judgin by school fees, usa is cheaper in the sense that they have community college so this stepping help my family save up for my uni! and is possible for me to enter too.. i too think that us is like a place full of opportunity.. though it is kinda in a bad shape now? due to the economy issue.. but i know god will bless america!

i cant do much but to jus apply and hope for the best.. i really need to think is it psych or nursing.. i always wanted nursing.. hmm but i also wanna further study.. i hope to do MD one day if allows on scholarship so i need to consider whether nursing allows that pathway of psych does.. i had study biochem psych so far.. hmm i still love i get expose at nyp thanks to saf reservice..i think that is what i really wan! the emergency the choice making the saving life..!

i have always wasted time.. doin things empty.. i shd make a stand already..

u r wat i always wanted but u chose to cling on to it.. compromise to the society standard.. i dont wan to be like that..i choose to be of not the social norm. I am already not.. and Singapore society is pressing me face up with it.. will god answer me yes or no..is this all for my selfish tots or? will be a gateway to possibilities? will u let me out n be down to learn then guide me when i am lost? or am i not happy with my current state? am i jus not sensible?

vennesa have enquire abt kim seng.. i shd be going down..i dont wan to think too much.. but i jus dont fit in..living a life not mine..do i have a life?

..like ..rubbish..

2010-08-21T20:08:00.002+08:00

i realise i am treated like rubbish.. my fren my family everyone.. making use of me then discard.. if i am not around they will like how come not ard when i am back they jus like ignore..wth man this is not the way..

i can live well without u ..

outing 1

2010-08-16T00:07:00.002+08:00

went out with mj to the swimming routine! nice job mj make me sleep there 1hr? at least i got my tann and really swim like siao ahahahah!!! miss the water.. then we went to OAL whereby we got lotsa information on whatever uni i need... but today my wei auntie say go seattle there might not be great now due to the economy etc. cause i told her i wanna go the community college which i have no problem going.. anyway beside the point, after OAL we, me and mj, went to liu he vegetarian restaurant eat.. not bad nice food.. except for the hor fun? hmmm.. but yeah

then we went to get KOL bubble tea! nice~! hmmm anyway we waited for imelda!!! finally see her.. then chat alot non sense things then go sing sing then head home le... friday was band night.. hmmm no one de... i realise when 2 okay average flute play well together, the whole band is totally gone.. cant hear them at all =_= eh.. or the band too weak..it was like the moment for me and shawn only =p hahah nice vibrato combination for the oboe and flute solo part we played... then.. sat i was out again! i met kitty and we chat abit b4 wan hua and wen xin turn up.. it was not arrange but then i saw them haha ! so delighted good way of connecting then.. i walk then there b4 eating at sakae! nice! long time no eat... but jus no appetite these days to eat big big meal.. so jus one sake and lotsa egg mayo and fried tofu, kakkiage, wakame and yeah that is all... then watch inception! nice! but abit messy and confusing.. u got to be focus.. then home...

met a dubai fren the other day.. learn alot of stuff =x nice chap cheers!

kns jd forget to jio me go eat at jurong.. i think it is jus too far and not the correct meeting.. the official one is next week!! clubbing?! alright..

4 choices of school! 2 course each for the one in australia
and seattle 3 school to choose north seattle, seattle central or belleuve

Back to blog abit

2010-08-12T02:43:00.002+08:00

Just back from Europe on the 8/8..went netherlands,poland,germany,luton london, italy sardinia island bergamo rome.. so many place and so many issues..now jus back and wanna chill off the time being.. till i have no choice but to work? was working in cgh as podiatry assistant love it.. but alot of personal problem all abt me my attitude behavior... la la la..

hmmm alywin talking abt the fish issue.. morale sin etc.. hmmm.... i told fish.. fish was really!@@RCK C( )K$_ RXMAC (J$(RQ)ERE(RUN CKNVWROKJ so yeah.. i am thinking shd we let go..

anyway jus sian... haha bored, bought some stuff backk hmmm nothing much... lv guess dkny but all they selling =_= then some alcohol for fish new hse display...

when to see ndp then got shoot on camera.. mj like shy shy de block here block there.. need sun block? hahaha...

now at the most FAT stage 80kg faint = hmmm la la mj keep sayin i zui alwyin say i lost my character and personality.. i feel so too maybe the stress the sianness and all the things.. jus hope i get into australia school and let me breathe.

complete my first year equivalent maichiam like ecu first yr? fishy but hmmm specialist diploma... 2 hd 3 d 3 credit..hope can use it to go there ba.. provided got money.. i trust god.. have FAITH MAN!

went europe SUXKKK!KK! JORJT O it not the money but the boring.. like nothing much la.. singapore nicer better though it all cement.. but still okie.. but can la.. dun picky still can picky, i think live on moon best find chang er..

recently i also invite vennesa lai jiu dao..she is the first one i du but she no longer coming very sad but haiz.. dun know what happened all like that then now with laurence.. i think that time alot ppl say say say then i tell str8 whether she like me etc if yes thenn ..mifnn ;43709U@#(u#
) Then she offended? haiz.. all furry balls la...

hmmm haiz.. dont know la..life is like hmm to some i am like very old? cause need to chiong earn money -_= cause not young to otehrs still studying age.. to me ... FReak it la.. happy jiu hao.. the rest bear it later one shot lor..like now i eat like pig ( some say) so i bear the fat boi look lor... i still boi lol... wth.. bullshit..

sian la... all the ppl is f l de la..if all normal then easy.. but all so chim.. fish me shd i find others..
hmmm recently jac jac know liao cause velda accidentally say .. dont ask me what i also not sure

then the jacjac cannot meet qb etc.. haiz see so complicated.. and the kitty laast time always go pub( haha me last time club) now jus wan swim tann and drink some good fren chill out eat sushi like mj all these good fren that still here for me.. 感恩

i already wasted so much time on fish the so called unspeakable as i have sin and not be mention dont ask me... so the next is to learn dao.. work on it.. then spread it to others.. light up the darkness though i am dark too.. haiz sian.. sigh sigh sigh so young sigh non stop

a week without mummy at home

2010-02-18T23:14:00.002+08:00

HAPPY chinese new year 2010! this year is like an average year for me the rabbit from the chinese astro calculation.

Just found a job recently at cgh as podiatry assistant..hopefully i will fall in love with it and stay for the longest time ever. Valentine this year collide with the lunar chinese new year chu yi. Henceforth I spend it without fish with me. I went along with melvin b4 some other guys pop by and more and more... jus to cut Q~~~~

Didnt really dance, cant imagine without any high and immediately standing so high on stage =_=.. gabriel came by at 130 we went to Q a long time for the drink then dance together! it was so fun! at least till rion lyon and alex went off.. gab and arthur was like i dont know how to describe.. i went to watch the DJ George Leong. topless but still spinning. kinda thinking alot abt fish. I think mainly i do wrong things or maybe did slide.. it because it's a festive season or some meaningful day or something where i am alone again as usual and yeah thinking about him. Part of me is hating the moment and yet not wanting to be alone. Nonetheless i am still alone. Internally i still dread this loneliness!~~~ but what to do..
15 jan 10 i was left alone at home. i wake up to no one at home till 1am(16jan) i guard the light alone. in boredom in loneliness. totally dreadful. slept at 10am(16jan)
woke up by mummy at 330 pm cause ah jie wan to use the room for massage so yeah .. not too long fish sms!! so happy then we went out.. watch the jacky chan new show little big soldier! nice! hilarious! totally enjoying it! that was after my dinner with fish.. with me kbing as usual.
then came a boring do nothing 17 slack at home.. my mum leave the house to changi airport and the detestable bro and sis in law coming to stay and wreck up the hse; the niece and nephew going wild n playing traunt! totally ridiculous!!~~ i did read something interesting that night. it was a graduate entry nursing course (masters of nursing sciences) at unimelb. It still interest me alot to study nursing! and i apply to nyp le! but shd i quit my job and study if i get in.. kinda silly right?! so maybe a graduate entry is suitable! or perhaps physiotherapy.. but i still into nursing a whole lot! n still kinda into brain and behavior and body anatomy and physiology medicine! lol.. so many thing! maybe i ough to finish my psychology pathway first before a nursing career and lastly a physiology and maybe clinical medicine! haahaa my interest!
then came today.. meet up with dyon! it still like the same.. we chat non stop..jus that i jus keep speaking english lol!!! alright am i losing my mother tongue?! then lesson was about PLAY lol..playing joy fun!! then home to a collide! hate it!.. bitch!...hate my life is now hateful empty loneliness and sadness..i feel sadness now.

My first pay meal at home

2010-02-01T22:46:00.003+08:00

I just officially pay 6bucks to my dad for cooking fried vegetarian oyster omelette.(i bought the ingredients) HAHA! my mum forbids me to eat cause i am not working nor contributing to the household. how great =) definitely pleasant scene.

dec is fun!

2009-12-29T15:54:00.002+08:00

went kl for hols..kinda budget type but i did get to walk ard alot..
still thinking whether to find job or ite.( i register though wait for the outcome.. latest i have to get a job by feb or march) fish have intention to study bachelor together with me this coming july.
ander is back for hols.. bring him ard all the clubs he wanted with jia min n seline n fengyang wayne n last jerial. it was fun.. but.. alright nothin..

haiz..still got rejected at the application for job..

back!

2009-12-25T12:50:00.002+08:00

whooooooooooooooa... it is christmas again!..times really fly.. jus came back from msia yest night. it still good to be home for any festive.. the comfy zone! had my new esprit spec. raw undies. nice pair of paul smith shoes.. but ..oh well nvm..i enjoy myself. although my 500 all gone le. lol.. hmm sigh... still safe..for this festive..till the next one tata.

yawn

2009-12-18T04:08:00.002+08:00

just came back! was out for dinner with fish. chat abit. half way thru while we were somewhere someone call for help for his petrol=.= anyway we chat alot.. maybe fish wan to study bachelor with me.. need to help fish get 1st class honours!!!! we had sakae sushi! haha nice and cheap only 25 n below at west area. fish shifting to the north le!~ very big big hse.4 rooms! huge!.. maybe i am very irritating by always saying i am sian.. i must control abit haha, fish sometimes seems annoyed. talk about life and obligation, trends, routine. social interaction that resulted in social norm and could it be a group think? but it seem not.. haiz i am not sure. fish like it anyway.. so yeah la la..i am jus the bf lol!

then after then find kitty at B.Q. ahaha then half way thru i think the other side alot pub kena caught for some license issue so we left early. hui ting and kitty very sian and sad.. bf issue.. haha

if ur bf betray u when u guys break will u patch back? 4yrs odd.. something along the line.. and recovering from sleeping with ppl to alone?

friday is the ftcc till sat night then i go msia.. hopefully half way thru i go meet fish =p on sat afternoon or night?

thank you

2009-12-17T02:10:00.002+08:00

thanks! many and countlessly to ven for helping me out in my assignment. the editing and the referencing editing and the presence! manage to did it in a day yet again ^^

went out with alana, parveen and ven after handing in the assignment. had nice swensen mushroomy meal haha..mush bake rice,pizza and appetitzer! haha 4 diff ice cream and many pics and video with unlimited amount of joy.

dry dry.. thinking about you. about what to do for myself. pathetic. failure. looking for my break. a chance for me to be away.. jus like the last time i had in navy.. the sailing trips; to escape.

test test

2009-12-16T00:00:00.002+08:00

hmmm the blog is still ard.. it is like one year odd? fish n me since late june, early july 08. and i am in my 3rd sem of psy next year jan haha. what else. hmmm still confuse. life nv stoping suxing out lol!. grey's series are nice! tml need to hand in siva pau assignment, =_= feels like i am losing fish to time? alright siansation.. not the writting time.. not a good one..

was there a time?

2008-12-07T20:06:00.002+08:00

My back aching like crazy la! eva since last friday the E case. after i save him.. then suddenly my back hurts like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then my left knee cramp.. then later i couldnt move faint.. haiz.. everyone think i am faking.. haiz nvm..

in the end i jus take a diclofenac jab. hmm the pain still here.. llucky my god sis massage for me, but it still haiz.. pain pain lor..
end up i rush to poly clinic yesterday morning. then got x ray done.. hopefulli 2 weeks from now. the review is good.. jus think that if done in my own work place.. they will thinnk i keng.. medic report sick? or shd i say me a slack fuck up medic report sick so no one care
?

saded

anyway the pain is still here.. so yeah cant help it..

is there time u feel lonely?

Was there a time someone came to redemn u from this loneliness?

fish this few weeks will be very bz. no one will be here to care for me lol.. mj go tour. alywin bz with his law exam.. no one liao.. haiz.. dun wan type liao damn sad..finally able to use net.. pass few months no one pay.. my bro jus decide to pay..doi..tml duty..

eh...it dec 08

2008-12-04T23:09:00.011+08:00

so many things happened.. was my bdae. then eh.. wat else? i feel fuck again both at work at home at myself at fish at the whole wide world.. nvm ..
nowsadays jus wan to hear 我愛台妹 this song lol goig crazy liao.. hmm sign another 2 extra again.. hopefulli can peacefully go for my OL have a peaceful holidays

Was back from another trip then came back got some stores dispute to solve the trouble i skip the procedure of informing the whole world and docu it down that all then i happily went off to msia to brush teeth on the chinese shi yue zu wu then back tot thing was going well then not long i heard abt those nonsense haiz... nvm i was with fish those few weeks then.. we met josh , which i felt real weird lol.. end up eating pizza instead of the sushi i wanted lol.. it was thurs. fish went off early to meet her partner.. lol.. faint..yeah fish is no longer with me le..

then fish was abit sad on sat cause it was the 7 7 49days..haiz

then i went sailign again for 5 days wo FOOD! apparently the chef i wasnt a very strict vegetarian so he see no point in specially cooking vege for me so thus i decide not to eat after the 5 days which was 21 i was like 69 lost like 8 kg? was 77 hhaha but i eat back le lol.. then i was punish b4 that for checking stores so so so long for 5 days i did rt like free flow-.- nvm then nov also alot extra for me so sign like free flow then also i change my bdae duty that was plan by my ops spec lau-.- then i had a sad weekend

28 i was so lonely haiz.. 29 was even worse then i decide to go out .. since des ask to club i went ahead then i reach there ten plus then i see them i feel like wth so i ran off lol.. took eleven plus train back home.. haiz.. how sad..
the actual day of my bdae was fuck up. no one celebrate.. no one buy cake.. my mum feel kinda bad. she ask me for money then she aarow my kor to send the money to some uncle to help me get cake.. apparently the atm machine cannot transfer so the uncle got no money to get my cake back for me then in the end i didnt get the cake was damn sad then my mum have to leave for some class teaching.. so i damn sian i call my bro cum sis to go out with me she also broke lol.. in the end she didnt cut hair she accompnay me to go guan yin ma temple to pray i got the same divination paper as my kor who is going to get married... then i went off to sing at the karaoke behind parco then went home.. oh yeah the cake was back by then.. it was a eggless cake.. celebrate as in sing song with mum me china ppl.. that all,

lucky on the 28 got cohesion day though it was boring i felt damn alone. almost tears.. but yeah.. i take it as a form of my indirect celebration..
now dec liao got duty on 2 4 8 10 and then this few days got test lucky the practical taker tester was damn nice..! i did well and then tml got the theory one haiz.. then yeah.. hopefulli i get to meet fish out of the tight schedule of her... i am useless but i koe i love her..

i feel so shit now.. my ops spec wanted to aarow me to do rt again this month i rejected as i felt i totally got no weekedn last month i wanted this month to myself then he ask me to call other in haiz.. then now the whole centre like dislike me not to say they like me at the first place.. the world can work and exist wo me.. my existence is not important

then now i am think ing how to die.. again.. dying slowly can like go fuck ard get hiv and then waait for it to become full blown and die.. or how.. hmm i figure die high on drowsy drugs/ or maybe drugs that knock u out.. or how.. i got a few plans and place decided already... i feel so empty so ready to leave the world. But i still have fish.. maybe after i totally lose u i will lose myself. life is going to be meaningless for me le. thank you fish. hugs. love you.

random post lol

2008-11-13T23:05:00.002+08:00

Hmmm i am back.. been in camp since Mon lor. mon duty wed duty finally can come home take a breather lor.. lol. Was out with fish and josh jus now.. diao.. felt kinda distanced from josh liao .. too long nv meet ba.. so ncie to see fish. the dinner was jus sweet la.. Simply us in our world?

Yesterday some guys had a high fever. 39 plus.. actualli i dun koe how many degree.. cause it was in F de abt 109?lol. but his GCS abit not ful wor.. cause his hand curve in.. like fit like that.. is it call fowler position? forget liao.. but his hand jus fist up and curve in.. then stuck in the fit positon like that. so worry for him.. but he still consccious and koe wat going on.. but super worried and scared .. i also dun koe why.. he perspire alot too.. anxiety attack?

It was then i was reminded again.. fish. So worried for fish everyday . eva since that incident.. haiz. shall not mention it.. damn scary accident..

Fish so cute today.. cut hair liao.. actualli more like trimming la.. lol.. then after dinner.. when i abt to go toilet she give the pain face. was worried again.. though it was so cute so innocent...then i realise after she said. " tummy ache" ;p hugs.. love my fish alot. though no attachment no commitment.. This is why i am Single but not so available ba..

Nature will take it course. Wateva will be. will be. Love my fish. Thinking of my fish.. Definitely miss my fish. =p hopefully u wont be replace any time soon. Will it happened? leave it to god i guess. Muacks. Lotsa hugs. and good night

Outing with QB

2008-11-10T19:09:00.002+08:00

yeah yesterday i kena rtcover at some camp in yishun katib area.. it was my so called reward because i was checking stores for a total of five days.. haiz.. that rtcover was onli half of it .. another one coming one day before my bdae la..on the 29 some where near clementi area la.. all damn out of the way lor. haiz.. wateva.. anyway i kena one extra today.. for no not picking up my hp. which was suppose to inform me abt the unofficialise event in my working place on the very next day and thus i miss it.. but being i have driving i cant attend to, but the theory is u are always wrong and they need manpower so this extra WEEKEND actual save them kinda alot of trouble haiz.. hate it!!! my duty was supposedly on my bdae ! which i had already block it.. some ppl jus do not care when ur bdae even though they themselves pass u the bdae card wtf. i have to personally find a replacement as if it my fault lor!!! haiz in here it fuck la.. thing dun go ur way.. clean ur own ass or feel the itch and pain..

haiz how to be happi when u are in here? haiz depend la.. anyway yesterday went out with QB the day and the dayb4 that i was with fish at night dinner and movie .. it beeen so long la finally met up with fish.. we had a small chat and things are kinda back to normal la.. i feel we both koe we can live fine wo each other but it the feelign that wont give up.. and so yeah hmm i dun koe, it jus complicated.. nvm it btw me and fish.. but it realli nice.. though fish was damn tired.. i was slightly haha..

Was suppose to meet QB to watch saw5 cause fish was kinda not into horror or shd i say she didnt really catch saw1-4 so she find it a bit cannot catch it if she watch so she decide other show like the 007 is cool though she doze of 2 times in the show while i was holding her hand. anyway yeah.. we are kinda not attached la.. lol or was there a commitment veil thinly?

anyway QB was preparing to treat me to the show la but i was the ass that turn up late as i was held up at work for the rtcover so yeah i miss it.. some ass interfere in my leaving of the work.. anyway yeh we had a chat and catch up.. some chit chat and we went to get psy books. i recommended somethign introductory for him hopefulli my ite fren QB understand.. k la he can de la jus slow la...

haiz miss fish again lol.. but now i learnt to adapt and wait le.. not as depress or impatient as last time..

kinda sick of my working environment ppl like to say me how lousy fuck up etc.. abt me.. haiz.. it jus crossing me soon la.. watsoeva..ppl jus cannot control their mouth.. they can say others tok to much but will nv consider themselves spliting too much saliva all over ppl face>?< they are jus thick in the head or simply cant be bother.. some ppl feel the joy from seeing ppl feel low from their words. it explain why in school when ppl get bully by a group, no one tend to lend a helping hand but simply watch and mock.. it a society that is falling and yet no one could actually notice this dark side, unsightly scene of the world we are living in. God Bless the World . Amen

insomnia (4nights wo sleep)

2008-10-28T18:53:00.002+08:00

since last friday i nv sleep. Abit crazy right. But i am still freaking awake. And i dont eat much. say one meal a day. jus dun feel like eating.. not hungry at all

I think i chat with the con guy yesterday? the one that sell the phone at a low price. saying his mum going for chemo got cancer etc.. haiz.. i had a real good time chatting with the con till 5 am then he go off liao.. hmmm sometimes talking to con is a big relief. they actualli make u smile. haiz too bad it too good to be true. haiz. if onli everything was real, johnoliver?

good-bye

2008-10-27T01:30:00.004+08:00

u koe i totally sank? how i am getting out of it? Many ppl said jus leave u .. walk out on u.. u did that once for six month maybe because i was and u were bz? with wil or josh or whoeva fresh hhaha i seriously dun koe.. u told me u dun koe why then we didnt meet..(freaking hell i am watching prison break3 while on this blogging and this is yet another sleepless night for me since yest?)..we both koe that in other for the 2 of us to get things right, sometimes it leaving each other.. after u left me then for 6 month dont u wonder wat happened to me?.. u get into ur accident with wil and u feel u owe him( but is it? ) or could it be u pity him feel sorrie causing him a near death accident? like u always said u had been through life and death with him( did he forget it and move on already with other while u are still on him?).. u wanna get it right.. but u lose it again..u lose him and get him back and now it become a open relationship with something hidden away from him.. not letting him koe the truth. u koe that once the cat is out.. it will kills or at least threaten wateva u have with him. it will jus result in 'the end' btw u and him. but i stand by u still. But u couldnt realli fulli cherish me. U still sms me to find other if u are not ard jus to make myself happi.. u realli think the hell i will do that? try harder..maybe u will? Lol

Hey yeah u realise all this while i am trying very very hard.. seriously pour out my full heart into us or u since the start when i koe we wont be in for a future..it my fault i love u..when u are the wrong person to love?..it took u so long b4 u feel guilt towards me compare to that almost fatal incident.(should i jus die then u really cherish me maybe u wont care lol cause i not going through life and death with u haha so u dun feel the linkage) At times death is a relief. eva been to hospital and seen those 'vegetables'? i am that.. jus that i still walk.. my brain is still working.. but my heart is dead..

Each time we meet..it totally mixed feelings for me. i could be real thrill at the sight of u.. super delirious by it. and yet tearing deep in me. You are not mine to keep. I have to miss u right when u are standing beside me. Were u faithfully looking forward to each meeting like i craze for it. " i devote 100%" to watch u msging others and sometimes have ur attention to me. why do i jus not get a undivided attention from u. nvm i am happi enough to see u. (i got myself to deep with u?)

It's true u did alot for me. i shall not mention wat i did. I did it of my own free will for love; for the love to u. Will u appreciate it?.. it always very hurtful when u said or even ask me to find others when u couldnt be there to fill up.(Will u ask someone who love u alot to find others? u seriously think they will do it when they fucking so love you and onli you?) U tot others could give me pleasure.(No lover will listen to their partner instruction to find others de..i think.. cause they heart it already with the person liao) U tot it jus pleasure i seek. The truth is simple. I jus wanted u. A simple u jus purely with me and spend some times with each other like the world jus disappear and onli the 2 of us. it okay as long i am with u or recieve ur sms i am happi be it a good or bad day or nonsense or sms.

I do agree this is a very one side view from me to me(smirk) how pathetic.. i have to write it here. so sad that i couldnt tell anyone how i truly feel when i face them( i am weak i got no courage to face my own fucking shit).. many think i am strong i am silly and think i went through shit. but it alright.i can live with it. i wont die. I am happi for any moment i am still with you feel u; ur presence.

i definitely do not blame u cause i meet u at the wrong time. 2 yrs plus ago when i meet u. u had told me that we couldnt go far.

In the end. I never regretting knowing you, at least i Had and will still love you. Maybe i will no longer be selfish.( i will leave u gradually relieve u from the guilt and wateva it costs u) I hope I can do this good-bye thing good. Cause i really love you.sometimes loving someone is letting them go? In god i shall trust and follow. You are always my love. I had officially marry you inside me w/o you koeing, but it alright; it onli myself and me to blame for being so silly and so me. Really I don't blame you at all. Thank you for letting me love you my dear, Fish .. Amen

I dun koe where this post is coming from.. maybe i wont leave u. i seriously dun koe..God guide me pls..i could be clouded already..

pre-sail dinner

2008-10-06T22:19:00.002+08:00

just came back from dinner =p my pre sail dinner with my mum .. actualli it someone wedding post make up vegetarian dinner la lol.. it was a vegetarian buffet very much enjoy it ... eat alot.

i bought some dietary supplement from some health store.. kinda broke liao only left fifty for this trip to msia liao sigh but shd be enough la cause i dun intend to spend too much overseas if not end up like when i was in darwin waste so much money!!

everytime i go overseas someone whom i really miss is Fish.. then my best fren mj.. hopefulli this trip i wont be too sea sick nor love sick.

Love ya Fish. No one can replace u in my heart.

TMC nsf dinner

2008-10-04T11:51:00.003+08:00

Yesterday night Dr Chen treat us all nsf to eat at sakae sushi.. kinda touching la.. hmm though it a simple dinner but all can feel it. May all goes well for him on his studies and his future career =p

After which we went Party world... sing alot.. learn alot singing techniques indirectly from many ppl there... quite a experience!~ but no camera aiyah wasted.. anyway now it over but it imprinted in my heart =p

This morning i got a nightmare !!! i got a miss call from fish and heard some nonsense over it was damn sad and shock till i wake up!! i guess i realli like fish alot.. but in a complicated rs.. but my heart will always be with fish liao.. cause i realli love her loads. and now no one can replace her.. sorrie i jus miss u too much babe hope u koe and nothing bad will happened to us...

A chat log

2008-10-01T02:10:00.003+08:00

eh haiz i kinda give up liao

but i scared i do wrong things(me)

dude it doesnt matte wots ur status(fren)

so i dun dare anyhow but sometimes loneliness fill in(me)

as long as u are happy (fren)

i koe i am not happi(me)

well thats part and parcel of living on earth(fren)

deep inside i am like tearing but i jus cover real well(me)

so since we ae "renting" ou lives on earth why not make the best of it...

its ok to vent it out coz bottlin it up isnt good for the health(fren)

i dun koe how to vent it out(me)

if we feel unfortunate just remmber that there those who are even more unfortunate than us(fren)

sometimes i feel real vex(me)

comparin to them we are luckier(fren)

them?(me)

as inthose orphan n those poorer ones(fren)

it a internal struggle.. sometimes we are like living in good environment but our internal sux whereas ppl in sad place have internal peace but they struggle in external(me)

well that depends on how ou internal selfs handle mattes so that our internal n external self feel at ease

u are a big boy n as smart one im sure u will handle in well so as to release urself fom wotever challenge that is bestowed by the ABOVE

wot matters is tht u handle it well so as to free urself

always rmmbr this

no one can EVER bring us down other than ourself

rmmber that u have ur family, ur friends by urside(fren)

i jus feel empty inside me(me)

its normal....

its normal to feel down n out but after all those cryin n feelin pity for ourself we MUST emerge a WINNER(fren)

pms?

2008-09-29T00:09:00.003+08:00

dun koe is it i pms lol.. having a bad mood swing la.. haiz.. thinking abt alot of things. fish's grandpa pass away on sun morning lor sigh. didnt get to see her la.. she meet her sec school fren and then the grandpa. she also quite bz with work..she ask me to move on. something like unless u can accept the open rs we are in if not i can move on.. i rmb she said it last time.. haiz i feel vex..i onli think of fish and yu cai. no one else le.. it seem gals are like tend to be wanted or in some complicated situation or maybe they jus find me sissy or watsoeva lousy reason.. like jac always say i bu nan bu nui( no boy no gal) sometimes it's hurting la haiz.. but i koe she a true fren that way she so honest with me ..
i decide to study psychology in sim liao.. cost abt 60k... and i intend to be a clinical psychologist for now.. haiz.. at least i got something to concentrate on. most prob i will jus give up if i cannot take it.. i will jus bear the depression with myself. live with it in me with some regrets. but in god i shall choose and put my heart in and not think abt rs anymore.. god definitely can cure me ..hopefulli*.. haiz i also dun koe..i miss u. and i love u

feeling hurt..giving up..

2008-09-27T20:29:00.001+08:00

the more i give the more hurt it will incur towards me.its not abt being meticulous or not its abt taking the initiative n effort to make ur loved ones feel secure.

u nv change..it still the same i am starting to be disappointed. why shd i wear the watch anymore.. i need to tok to clear it.. recently i am jus losing all confidence in u. do u even koe. u jus think i am crazy again..

kakadu.

2008-09-04T21:48:00.007+08:00

hmmm feeling so random anyway yeah i back since mid august liao=p anyway yah some random pic most of the other recent pic i put in my face book it abit more easier to uplaod pic and much much faster bleagh!!! haiz alot sad and happi things happened and i abit lazy to fill up.. next month sailing again liao whoa yeah nothign much le.. mayeb i will write more again soon b4 i sail..feeling real confuse and depress

Though it late but now i'm here.

2008-07-04T19:16:00.003+08:00

How many rounds have u make to finally get to where u intended to?

Fish :"beta late then nothing" something like this was said. What i felt was u will always be my babe. I will not stand in ur way, wateva it will be. ( i am listening to david cook 'Always be my baby' )

Yesterday felt like foreva.truly speaking fish was the first to realli make me fall head over toes so badly. i didnt koe that my love for fish was so deep. Everything was perfect. It was the best i eva had. Though i tend to think about the negative side on whether how long this will last till. It's jus nature for people to wonder how long they could live in their fairy tale. I have faith it will be a Ever lasting happiness. May many new chapters open up for Tony & Fish.

after hugging most of my colleagues at my camp.. i went off to meet fish. We had dinner at fish and co as i was craving for sea food platter then i realise fish onli eat fish and not much of the other sea food ouch..no sharing of sea food platter for two..sob lol.. Fish was having backache.kinda worried too..anyway i got my haircut. and we purchase some show to watch through the night. We had a great time together till this afternoon. Then simply a lunch at swedsen b4 we left to embark on our opposite path home. I recieve a fabulous surprise from fish. No words could express my gratitude and my happiness when i saw that. Love ya.

I'll be out of town for says 6 weeks. sigh jus right after i finally get back to fish. maybe the time away from each other will make our love stronger and crave for each other more. I cant read ur mind. But i definitely felt ur love ur care and concern. I never regret knowing u. hugs

levin?

2008-07-02T23:55:00.002+08:00

how many times do a normal human feel heart pain. from the heart disease or any indirectly cause from any physical activities. Or it could be from the stress from work, family and fren. And lastly the one we love.
Heartbroken should be the correct word ba? everyone goes thru it once? if u nv u are real lucky.

the tugging feeling. where u have to use ur right hand to grab it? the feeling when u wan to cry and u cant cry out yet u smile bitterly?

i dun like to say my thing out using the first man scenario. i rather narrate it out as a outside party.. maybe this way i will feel beta..

My family.

I live in an average family. I have two parents a mum and a dad. they are 8 years diff. My dad is not highly educated. He left school during Primary 1. My mum is from msia. she left her hometown for singapore at a very young age. She came here to work.
my brother jus got into ns and holds a diploma in nursing. i a yr in ns. i got a ite higher nitec in biochemical tech. we are two yrs apart.

we live in a four room flat in chai chee.

my dad is kinda old now. I believe he got into affair with another woman and have a child. he is old and in the retirement age 57? that why he cant find a positon full time. so my father been working as odd job welder worker since i am sec 1 after his hand injury.
my mum being non educated din earn her an advantage over my dad. she simply use her talent in cooking and open stalls or look after kids for other and did some sewing as she was from sewing industries..

but now. my dad is totally jobless. my mum body condition dun allow her for the work in the stall so she close it. she now rent one of the room out and i share room that half rented out too. and she babysit baby and help ppl to look after their kids at our hse where they stay in too. all this is because my dad havent been giving money since i was abt sec 3?.. so all this will be the bread my mum earn for the hse. to pay of all the bills. the hsing the elec water etc etc..food groceries.. basically everything.
my brother. jus enlist. nothing else. before that he jus stay home and play com games. guess my mum nag to much then he go find some part time to work on and off. but he usualli quit shortly cause his pr abit bad so he cannot take it. he got a gf when he was in poly but they broke after a yr or 2..he didnt did that well he repeat a yr but the grades werent that good it like 1.plus. he retook his O's and he manage to get into his poly and did a diploma. he result werent that good in sec yeah and he got into some trouble. he were playnig alot com games then work. he nv work b4 till he was in poly. he help my mums in the stall when he was free sometimes. my brother love me i think..he get alot well with my dad and mum fairly.. but not close to anyone. he keep to himself and to the com. there were time when internet were cut off when he got no money and i cant help him pay so he play non online games. or he go lan. he work abit in poly which affect his grades and my mum and dad pay for his fees and etc thru out. he got 208 for psle. my brother were more on games and following my mum order like helping to pay bills buy thing etc. he complain but rarely onli when he and my mum argue.

me. i'm in ns now. i use my money to pay for my everything bills etc transport food and all. i dun take money from my parents since sec4.i work since sec 4. i pay for my school fees. and exam fees. i did well in pri like my bro. i score 216 i did badly in sec. i was into band and music but i was not realli good in it. i am average. i din do well for my Retook O's so i went i ite. i didnt realli study in ite so i got gpa 2. something. most of my time i was working.. i had workk in more than 20 kinda jobs from east to north and to south to west. anything that pay i go for it. i need the money. i dun play much com games. i am more into band and music, shopping singsong buy thing eat.. kinda enjoy my life..i am not good with my dad after sec 2 average with my mum and bro.i jus know i got to work for myself. find means to get thing i wan.

my family is crack. my parent had cold war since when i was in primary school. i witness them shouting at each other at night in the kitchen when i was young. my brother will be jus playing his game to avoid all this. i will jus sit one side hide myself and listen look and confine all feelings to myself. i nv tell this to everyone till i write it here. they nv sleep together. anymore. we neva go out as a family since i was in pri. our finance got real bad at home. dad dun give money or not enough money..my mum will be always bitching abt it.. and yet working for the family. i will juslisten feel in heart sometimes i cry to myself wheni was very young but i koe i have to be brave. cause god give me this family. my bro jus go out with frens to arcade or play com. i will choose to watch television. it divert my totall attention.
in sec school i got involve in band i was totally engross in it i learn and practice.. my life was all abt that. my bro was abt game. my mum having to find work or work hard in her own stall to upkeep the hse. my dad is on off at home. like it was a hotel.
it been like this all this while no change. and there wont be. a crack in a crystal ball will nv be able to mend back. jus like a sand castle that crack will fall eventually even u try to mould it. it will be a diff one. this cause me to look for love.

Love.

i weren't success in it.. i broke my heart twice. and i got real tired with those short rs and i gave up. i met fish. We werent realli stead.. we were jus together. i dun have to find anymore rs cause i am single and not avaliable. i make myself onli avaliable to fish. we meet once every week or i dun at all..it something that drives me to look forward. a new thing. i koe we are not together so i dun have to hurt myself so much like that in a relationship. cause i am make known that we cant be together. so it a pain but manageable. many a times i hug fish thinking.. when will i see fish again when will we lost each other totally and i simply miss u . can u feel it. can u feel my heart for u. and nothing else.
everytime i hug u from behind when u simply doing other things or staring at the tv. when we were sleeping i was feeling sad being beside u for hours i have to count down to then i have to leave. how i wish time stop and i could hug u foreva. u dun have to hug me, i jus need to feel myself. i am still alive. i still can feel a body warmth and i koe someone is there with me. which mean i was not alone. but maybe still empty. but it definitely beta then being attach with someone and when i put my heart in it and then they crack it. i rather it be empty.? nothing could replace wat i have then. a no commitment yet able to have someone who i can cuddle. and love but maybe in heart and not express out.
time goes and i felt real disappoint in myself. how come i have become such a cheap guy. koeing there no outcome yet i stay on. why? i dun koe.. and i dun have the answer. but i koe. i will jus hug u while i can. cause u wont mind me hugging u. slowly my heart grew tired of it. many a time it jus ask me to give up this non status label rs. it nothing. and u getting nothing. u onli making urself more empty and lonely. but sometimes i feel ur love was it love>?< i realli dun koe.. and it cheer me up like nothing. then it sank again. but i hold on always. cause i koe once i lost u. thing will be back to square one, i will try finding another then it a gone case then i get hurt and i close myself up and i open again and get hurt? wat for.. i rather i am hurt silently but sometimes happii at least i think it worth it cause in my heart i had fallen for u over this long period of time. my mind learn to think abt u and miss u.
then it came a time u could have got sick of me. u start getting cold to me. i feel sad but i koe i havent lose u totalli. maybe i still got sometime b4 things happened. now i shd hug u more and recognise this feeling and maybe carry it to my death at least i got such nice feeling b4 right?
i nv blame u for anything cause it all me willingly open myself to u.
then u disappear. i dun deny i met ppl when i was with u. sometimes i feel real low the way u treat me i wan someone to be there. and thus i commit that mistake. but how can i not. when we were not attach, no commitment. i jus create a invisible commitment from myself to u.. but do u have it too? i nv koe. cause we nv tok. but still my heart was all for u. i count the days we are together. i think abt the times we were together when i dun meet u. and i tot abt wat would happened when i will meet u. sometimes it was tot happi meeting u but when i meet u u were so quiet so i feel hurt slightly but i still hug u with all my heart..then the day came. i feel u were apart from me.. i couldnt feel u totalli.
then u left me.
i onli could wait for ur msn window to pop up and say hi to u. i onli can sms u "when are we meeting" but we nv meet.. maybe god onli give me a short term accompany. but i thank god for everything cause i once have u in my arms. and i open my heart to u.

then life goes on i concentrate on all my training to divert away the attention from thinking abt u. sometimes i felt depress and emo abt u.. i will go find a sub that like u and try dating them in place of u though having u in my mind as if i was seeing u? i was going internally crazy. i try to drink it away with alcohol. dance it out of exhaustion from clubbing which i given up ..i feel tired inside me. and then slowly i become this walking dead tony. ?i feel still but i try to ignore it. day day day it pass wo u replying a confirm meet. dejected feeling from many unsuccessful new date. i koe i dun love them but i still get involve with them.. jus to keep myself thinking i am attach i shd shoo u out of my mind..but i din succeed.. time nv make thing beta. the crave jus start to come. i start buying dvd to watch at home. i am lazy to go out. it meaningless.. maybe my life wasnt going anywhere for a start
i din do well in studiess so after i ord i jus gonna work till i die and maybe still conti seeking for love when my heart is crucially gone for someone so young like me ? i been thru alot and i see thing lightly now
i tot of dying to end everything. but looking at my family how my mum have suffer so much.. i think i owe her my life. maybe this is my life.

there still so much thing in me i cant share. sharing to other dun realli help. i might jus need a shoulder or a body to hug.
it me i will still smile and go thru this life and face everything. if i will tired or heart pain i will jus go one corner and cool it off injured heart. but i will still drag my body, i still got the good memories. it not foreva but i once have it. and i cherish it. this is how much i love u . and this is this much i keep for myself.

i am so tired now. i will sleep. i koe i will think alot.. but after thinking too much it will jus wear off then it might come back again but life still goes on. I LOVE whoeva who once love me and make me cry or smile. i thank everyone for being there for me at different stage of my life. i thanks mj for still standing as my platonic fren since sec 3, i thank alywin for understanding some unkoe stuff some ppl might not koe. same to dyon for sometimes sharing it . i thank fish. u make me koe how someone fall in love gradualli and been thru all kinda of ups and downs. i love god for my family and giving me the ppl who are ard me so that i am not alone in this world.

i thank money for making me work for u and those i could exchange it for some material enjoyment.
mum and dad thank u for giving me life to go thru this earth. kor thanks for being a brother who protect and fight with me lol. at least i have gone thru this life as tony tan bai xiang son of marriage couple tan hiang hui and lim yeng tai and brother of daniel tan bai chiang. and a lover of fish whom he feel he love most with his heart . and many other whom too get his heart b4 and hurt it. god bless you and world peace
too lazy to tok abt work. it simply ..........

sms..date..in love..

2008-07-02T22:27:00.002+08:00

when it comes.. it was like a high current.. i cant even take it that i have to resist by hopping and jumping ard.. now.. it jus settle like a dead heart.
A WAVE. yeah it must be like the wave high and low.roller coaster could be a beta explanation to site?
hmm..haiz..i meeting fish tml.. cause i leaving..le..maybe fish tired today.. we have been actively msging since monday.. i calculated at least 100 per day.. and it like thru out the day can..this remind me of last time... maybe it like come fast go fast!? i hope it will not be ba.. haiz..i realli hope i and fish will be together foreva. though wo a confirm status..but it alright.. cause for now i koe..half my heart or most of my heart is with fish.. nothing can go in.. maybe i am half dead le..
Fish wateva u do. i will always forgive u. I am happi god have arrange for this meeting. i will cherish wat i have and i wont hope for anything.. i wil jus enjoy myself and u now. I koe the fall will be deadly but it all worth it. cause.. I Love You.

Tony being silly.

happi weekend

2008-07-01T21:27:00.002+08:00

I had neva been so happi for such a long time. I went clubbing with alywin and para last weekend. it was damn high for me but damn ps for them lol.. i did alot stupid thing lol. b4 that i met fish.. and i still like fish..though as always fish treat me like hmm,..nvm.. fish was late.. wateva so eva..i spend the night after clubbing with fish and josh.. i realise how complicated it is abt fish and marr and wil and josh. it was like haiz.. but fish suddenly so diff towards me.. fish say i change alot. as in i grow up? due to army?but it was too late.. there marr and wil. but heard wil is unhappi over fish and marr. but josh on the other case was damn emo tat night.. and the next day it was terrible.. wat shd i say? but i was cute lol.. fish went with me for a show johan. and we left from where we started.
and now we starting from where we left. at first the First day that folo which was yesterday was good. but confusing.. now it still is. fish is confuse. but nv make a mistake. maybe i am the mistake to speak with.? i am the fourth party. i .. feel happy yet sad.. but i wan to be with fish.i not very sure wat going on but i do am aware of some things. it good that fish starts to appreciate me now. but does it mean i have to go along with fish? but if not so how miserable will i be?
wat i koe is i like fish. wo fish i feel so empty so lonely. at a loss. maybe it a debt i own in my last night. this life i have to sacrifice for fish? will it be worth to sacrifice for fish someone i am sure i like. and will love? will fish realli appreciate me now?

Ain't nothing but a heartahe

2008-06-25T23:56:00.003+08:00

I am always concern abt wat i will become in the near future. how good will my job prospect be. It suddenly hit me. I am lonely.
Don't know since when i have become a walking zombie with a smile. i am so fake.
I realise i dun love fish. i like fish. i like the time wasted away. The time i spend koeing someone is there and i am not sitting there alone. I am there coz fish or me wanted each other to be there at the point of time.. this feeling is killing me..i thinking abt sucide now. it the 2nd time for after 11pm.. haiz i feeling damn terrible and gross out..no one understand wat i am going thru(this i always think of others) and i cannot tell out how i feel to anyone ..it jus not forming a phase to be out for anyone. when anyone ask me whether i am alright i will jus be blabbering nonsense..
wat i koe is i am lonely i dun feel love. not in term of my family. usualli ppl dun like to tok abt their family.. this kinda thing is definitely best kept within. but how?
i am not complete. The feeling is real terrible.. i am not good with my words. No words can describe what i am going through now
can u jus be there for me.? if i eye on u? i so feel like smoking or drinking and enjoy the quiet night. but can i? wallow in misery and self pity. picking up.. i love tony.. but tony is dying inside. how can i resuscitate him. i am so lonely now.

random pic

2008-06-15T01:20:00.004+08:00

zhenwei bdae

2008-06-09T21:59:00.004+08:00

OFF!

2008-05-07T16:30:00.003+08:00

On off again.went off with lau and nich..at 7 plus .. on the way he mention something which hit me hard lol..

it in human nature that.. hmmm if u help some one buy thing hor..must collect exact...to make urself gai kauo if not if u collect not exact then next time u dun treat ppl ppl will think u stingy.. something like that..so it like if u dun wanna be bully dun show ur weakness and let ppl step on u. if not if eva u command ppl ppl will turn a deaf ear.. this so remind me of the times in b.m.t when i was in special training centre with dennis they all.. dennis did mention something like u wan ppl to work with u u got to be working too and not jus supervising.. hmm i miss dennis

hmm kinda realise how sian this cycle is..

anyway a pic of my last time smti camp mate

he is the guy on the btm right..very interesting guy.. haha miss shandy too..but he is not in the pic..

life is so boring... u work u find love sex and then go on with life..feel miserable with something u cant get.. have fren etc... no meaning de?maybe god can ans me one day or someone can enlighten me?

complete a square?

2008-05-02T00:05:00.004+08:00

may day is the 1st day of may.
I'm on duty! CHEERS. hmmm yeah i was here since last night; the last day of april.
I feel alright till a case was in.. 2 guys reporting for fever. A uRgENT 38.1(average)
OH DAMN.. i panic for a second..in my mind i keep thinking of 3calls i gonna make.. one didnt get thru 2 get thru..
i make a mistake..i said unneccesaary stuff.. i am so reminded wat happened during june to sept period ans onli the qns idea.
after which i feel a urge to call someone to tok abt it.. to whom i call? at this point of time i reach out to 2 ! one mj one is U. haha MJ thanks... U thanks.
but why why am i so cheap ahahaahaha... human dun work alone.. it all abt helping one another.. and somehow i have live pass that stage? even if u dun help i will pull thru.. i will bite it thru like i did during june to sept.. sometimes alot of things i jus swallow in.. and haha i feel the pain in there.. i think my heart is realli strong haha..
When i break up with someone i realli like i feel that pain.. i cried with the cover of the sky.. it accompany with it rain shower jus as when first tears roll down my cheek.. god was with me.. angel were consoling me.. the spirit were embracing me. And i learn not to cry over relationship.
when i quarrel with my family when things at home went real back.WE break up my family break up. jus like a crack crystal ball.. it could be nicely glue back but it lines will nv be conceive.. nv will it be back to it original..
for a second i feel the old pain in my heart..jus like victim of heat exhaustion will have a higher risk of it coming back so does the "heart pain"
disappointment i get from myself and others is so damn often till it's no longer stranger to me.. time and time again i try to look at the surface but why force me to look thru it and uncover it ugly side?
why and why must ppl be so nasty?
why why why why and why must u make me sad?
why ans why i feel so lonely even though many are ard me?
why why why why and why must i be the one walking thru it alone?

maybe it cause i was born into this world alone.. so i will walk it alone? lol!roflol
ppl marry ppl divorce; ppl live ppl die
many dream many were in misery. many reach the top and fall hard and nv recover.
time and time ppl try discovering a beta way to living lives. we share this ways/ methods..but is it realli how we wan to behave.. who realli live in happiness like fairy tales? why were fairy tales written and told to us by the adult when we were young? when the adults knew it is not the case in the society? but why we hearing it since young and grow up discovering or even uncovering it all fake? sex is part of love or love is part of sex>? a requirement or a process or is it plainly a desire?
love? why we grow up finding love and career and money when we were jus searching for joy and fun when we were kids? or jus being able to sleep and eat to the fullest as a baby?
the body physically change and so is the thinking .. different ppl think differently thus the saying in chinese one type of rice can feed thousand types of human being. Is it why standards or protocol are carry out to define a one moment? if so that why ppl are following the social set thinking?
and it all come down to why i am sitting here typing like a idiot and feeling smart yet acting on.. to hope i do not koe so much when i do see it.. and jus suffer in silence. being smart is not a must but being smart and having to act dumbly is a torturous form of stress?
i am weird but wat can i do?? other typing here so that U or WHOEVA can read it and u now going thru ur brain reviewing me and judging me and then leave me or be with me and grade me

HEY HEY it not abt this.. i jus type here so that i can release out something i shdnt have say to anyone yet not having to say to u all..but at the same time say it out haha how dumb
I AM JUST DUMB LOL...going crazy a tony sitting thinking and getting to sleep now feeling the disappointment of the world.. and not being able to help or do anything but smile and live on having no happi thing to think to and miserably think abt he have to live till his parent move on.then he got no one to be sorrie to... i love no one and no one love me and so i am nv in love or out of love it jus my brain acting on it own>?< i love you!

In camp for 3 days

2008-05-01T00:49:00.002+08:00

hmmm i am staying tonight. hmm very late liao but dun wanna sleep yet lei.. lol...
disappointing over nothing and everything..
jus feel the urge to type and make my own presence felt? haha how pathetic i am hmm..
okay i am gonna stay in tonight coz i got duty tml and i definitely dun wan to waste money cabbing over and tonight staying personnel are good ppl. haha i am good fong is lau is chin even the driver is and the tv is and the air con is and the dvd are lol stephen chow show can kill time hmm yeah.. and i dun koe wat i gonna do at home..wasting time? hmm rotting or simply dying? haha i also dun koe haiz...jus so sian lor..i cant explain myself i am weird la haha
i am a strange guy and so i am..the drive got a nice iphone haha... and yeah so jus typing away and not sleeping yet.. haha
hmmm jus so i can write and type something and the time jus tick away?
aiyah i am staying in for tml and tml i got duty.. and then the following day jus got another cover haha so force indirectly to stay in?so yeah i am staying in haha.. typing nonsense...sian la..i wanted to tok to my fren de then my fren watching video so nvm lor, and i sms my fren and my fren is sleeping so two fren that i jus wanted to kill time with are so call not there to be my time killer haha i dun wanna disturb mj coz so late abit the bad haha.. anyway jus like that lor.. i dun rmb when i start having this kinda weird acts? or intellectuar? or my brain jus got abit haywire no no i shd say the thinking and the thoughts jus change alot from sec? haha nvm i still very money minded and i still as nonsentical and so bored and so sian and so rotting away and so eh i dun koe, hmm confuse? dun koe wat to do.. haha, recently i up load alot pic haha pic of racheal and shu mei bdae haha.. hmmm yeah so this jus goes on and on... so yeah wat am i thinking now? nothing jus typing away feeling the keyboard feeling rhe typing sound feeling the environment and so there still me here..yeah i am trying to type out something.. not realli successful... and so hmmm
i meet a new fren on tue.. we had the usual MY recent craze the fish & chips at FISHERS'Man wharf? hmmm it jus opposite the central mall and i jus eat there.. i treat my fren since my new fren is so poor haha.. the mother keep the atm card so poor thing.. and we went to some place ard there and slack a few hrs away and i found out some new thing abt my new fren and discover it then yeah? hmmm i dun koe..
recently jus nothing to do so eat eat alot.. even mj notice the weird change haha in size hahah maybe i jus recovering back to the original state...haha now i back to my 70 plus lor haha not my 65 le...sigh abit sad haha..then the other day ran 11 rounds for life? hmmm half way so dead lor damn hot... haha almost cmi haha but did finish with alot of walking.. anyway the soccer i jus dun koe wat to do la.. damn stand there and rot and so yeah dying...hmm and i spend 50 on concession dun koe worth it or not hmm it like recently so dun feel like going home liao..got the urge to stay in or jus crash other ppls' hse lor... lol..
yeah toking abt that i manage to get a price at 30 per session of one hr with my flute teacher due to my current situation and abit struggling..but this month is good la i got my claim back and i got the port allowance from mstd and i got gst money so still got some money left...intending to save ba... hopefulli can save... damn pauper lor.. haiz...poor man son.. no one to complain to haiz.. it's jus life? lol... sian
haiz realli dun koe wat to write..jus feel sian.. tired but not realli into sleeping yet.. lucky got the internet got com got my blog got radio and music and most impt my camp mates or shd i say the unlucky guy who was arrowed to do today duty the duty medic fong who is sitting beside me lol.. k la... die liao..dun type le...simply jus flooding.. hhaaha

Racheal 21st Bdae

2008-04-27T23:23:00.009+08:00

TEO SHU MEI 21st BDae

2008-04-27T23:01:00.002+08:00

VELDA 21st Bdae

2008-04-27T22:18:00.005+08:00

hmm disappointed/ midunderstanding?

2008-04-25T23:47:00.002+08:00

hmmm i attend a flute lesson yesterday. I ask my fren to intro de. And all along i koe the teacher is a micheal. my fren had actualli ask me not to attend it?... and i did..then i met an acquitance. i suspect he stab me.
i was scared nervous yest thru out. wanted to tell my fren desperately. when my fren say watching american idol so i was like nvm later. jus as i was bathing ard 1110 plus my fren sms.said am i calling if not will be turning in soon due to bad headache. how can u be able to watch show when u had a bad headache?! liar..
then today wanted to ask my fren out when my fren had appointment. so alright. then i met mj for dinner and all..walk ard catch up.. so long since i last met my best good fren...a great catch up session so touch haha.. and i eat alot so full so bloated but all worth it.. all my favourtite food.
when i tok to my fren it all so real.. so no not need to fake fake or masking lol
then i ask the teacher when the next lesson.. and then i was thinking abt the fren. when i called my fren.. my fren didnt pick up. jus then the teacher reply . ur fren is with me.
FOR A SPILT SECOND. it hurt and real disappoint!
I SO HATE IT WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY MUST HUMAN DISAPPOINT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can u see how pissed i am
then i chat with mj. after but pin point and tok to face reality. i wake up my idea.
You had jus disappoint me totally. What can i say? wat would u have me say?

hereby OFF till tue

2008-04-23T00:40:00.002+08:00

This few days, it boring. anyway i get to koe new frens. and tml going back to work.
hmmm i am a poor guy. no estate to myself..not gonna inherit alot of money.. jus plain general.. plain normal..jus me.. i own to myself in academic ite cert lol.. mocking myself? and a future look worth looking forward to..
wat do u see urself doing in five yrs? jus grad from a local uni'? been working with ur diploma ? or hating a career that u have embarked on. When u choose a wrong course to study after o level. it's nobody's that i am born in my family that is having a existing crack. Nobody pray or wish for it to happend. Nobody tot i could be so playful so gone case so useless so complacent. NO one; nobody. I got myself to blame? for not studying hard. or was the guidance not strong enough to bound me to things i shd be competence and could had done well.. Am i too blame for being so silly to having blog here telling the whole world how lousy i see myself and getting pity from everyone telling me, " hey dude,cheer up. it not the end of the world. dun be so pessimistic. so negative'
hey i do not wish to be like that or am i jus acting like that.
i not born for a purpose to fail. there's definitely a road i miss or did not see, but searching it is like finding a lost pin in the big ocean. possiblities at it lowest.
i started going back to learning music. i engaged a teacher (both piano and flute) piano at 35 an hr and 50 for flute. But i cant realli breathe with it already. but still i am going for it.
i am not single not attach..jus plain desperate to have someone beside me and so i could selfishly keep the person by my side to accompany and not let myself sink alone into my pit of despair.
am i did not wish to had make myself a outcast everywhere. at home or in the society. But i achieve it. things lost will nv be able to get back. it jus like a virgin will nv able to find his or her virginity back at any prices. It abt being labelling and filter to diff class. a system quietly creep into our lives without koeing it.
hey dude wat ur label in this world ? A successful man having happiness or no freedom or a average man struggling to gain luxury in life or living with contend or a poor guy hoping for miracle or jus dying at some dark internal alley.. wateva it is.. this is life.. and i am walking it now. With misery and without love.

it is nearly bad thing if i eva have to write.

2008-04-15T14:43:00.003+08:00

hmmm this is so jian i dun koe how to write but i wanna write.hmmm damn zui la..i'm having world war unlimited now.
i'm jus unhappy now. anyway i am on off today.hmm i slept till 2 plus..it such a waste of time but it's a nice feeling lor..so dun koe wat to write to release my anger liao..nowadays typing it out in the blog doesnt help anymore. i feel miserable.
but actualli come to think abt it there's nth to fan with la. i jus live life as it is. work with my ite cert then further studies in future ba. since my family so poor and i am not well to do.
i feeling sad miserable desperate anger fed up at the end of road. now i am totally empty. i end up with nothing now. but my fren and army to serve finish. seeing no meaning in life la!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!f*** how could it be this way....sigh

eternal summer

2008-04-06T00:23:00.002+08:00

i watch this show onboard ship. courtesy of dr seow. picture steal from wakkais.blogspot.com

Jus Back

2008-03-28T23:17:00.002+08:00

so long neva update liao hmm i just back from the frigate(free-gate) first trial sail..okay cannot divulge too much info, hmm jus a interesting event lo..i get to sail on ship and enjoy myself..it like a cruise for me coz i dun need to do much and it like free for me to do anything i like so it like eh should i say i am sian onboard the ship so yeah...eh..but i just check my schedule for the whole of this month! not much sailing which mean i will be stuck in the centre for some time...having to face some idiot who i dun like and seemlessly suspectiously eyeing on my medical skill...haiz...somehow mean i am not able lol...so i kena alot shit from this particular guy and ssad to say i am realli fuck up lol...so yeah i trying to escape lol....facing him is like stress?dun koe wat to type and i so in love with some tian di zi men game from my psp haha it is so ffun la..hahaha i am so bored recently and ed ddoesnt realli help... are pal so easily keaving away from easch other?

back in one piece

2008-02-29T19:46:00.002+08:00

haha i am back at the same cafe i was in..heee...it a chill out place la...hee..but this time round i am with my another medic..lol...both tired from the climb of the kota kinabalu trip..and i think it a meaningful trip.. i learn alot..hmm team work really show in this case..hmm unity and motivation..and how to guide each other out of trouble etc...
anyway i am disappointed by my wait today, i am again sitting here not alone apparently but not realli entertaining my fren to wait for u to come online but haiz lady luck not smiling on me..sob sob...i miss u ...and goodbye kota kinabalu(sabah)

lake 2 KOTA KINABALU (Sabah)

2008-02-26T18:18:00.005+08:00

i'm now at UPPERSTAR cafe & bar( Segama Complex) hmm somewhere at Kota Kinabalu. A relatively peaceful state of M'sia hmm..the ambience at this cafe is comfy those dim yellow light a bit more relax then starbucks.. slipping of from my Hardys Nottage hill 2004 chardonnay.

Been very bored and dead on the ship sighs...dying here la...as in on the ship..thinking abt my love ones..haiz..singapore is not that bad after all...indonesia is messy hmm..Kota kinabalu(SAbah) very relaxing...hmm looking forward to the thailand trip in 10 days hee..spend 100 in indo abit heart pain...and now i have jus spent another 100 RM in here faint lol...so much money being use up la so not good...'

Hmm trying to find place to go so bored..

haha feel so good to slack here la...bored..damn alone now..but at least i found here la!!!hmm let see the wine and the tiramisu cost me a 36 RM and hair cut 10 and i bought some kettle chips and VSOP ard 20 had lunch at pizza hut 12 that all lol dinner another 7 at upper star etc 10

had dinner liao order another drink kahlua milk cause they dun have the drink i wan i wanted a Baileys caramel but they onli have it in the mixed form k lor..beta then nothing heee..thinking sbt many ppl now as i sit here dazing while using the com...actualli am waiting for someone to come online to msn lol..slap!

2008-02-02T20:43:00.000+08:00

and the things is, i realli dun care wat ppl think abt me becoz i believe in myself and i koe things gonna be ok... i cannot wait for u... it is like waiting for rain in the drought; useless and disappointing..as i tot i might need a fren

3pics i took on new year eve

2008-01-03T00:31:00.000+08:00

three diff look. i took it ok new yr eve.

I am now posted to tuas naval base hmm quite far hor..hmm...nowadays quite ok..hmm met a few nice frens.hmm..i am not thinking of fish so much le..in fact jus let it swim off to the sea.. i miss those time..but i am moving on for more new adventures. love ya. amen

feeling sick

2007-12-27T17:09:00.000+08:00

this whole x'mas week i am sick diarrhoea and feeling feverish now! worse..but i did have a nice christmas with my fren dyon..and my ex church fren..and frens..amen

Christmas

2007-12-25T13:27:00.000+08:00

Merry christmas to all..it a season to celebrate..hmm as usual alot things happened..hmm..lazy to write dun koe how to start either..
hmm Been a long while since i last write?
hmm velda bdae party jus over.. i back from cnb to snb..last week in um cse..dun like the ppl my cse mate..days are passing hard..3 more days with them..and it a hell day?..
haiz..lotsa sigh sigh in my entry ba..first it was all fish..then how disappointed my army life it getting more and more boring..life at home getting sucks...no one to go out with..feeling empty..was it all cause by me my personality my character my atittude.. somehow.. i will prefer a lonely life at times..but with someone to bear with me the pain..taking it alone it crude..1.5yrs since longer then it actual value..learn alot..thinking change alot..straighten out alot things...
did alot stupid things. i rmb running away during the eve of my bdae in camp..after kena sabo..heard alot ppl dun like me in camp at smti...and now here again..cant realli bothers..but it pain in me to conclude i am such a failed one..haiz...how do i explain..everyone have their ups and downs..some more balance..while others are not.
Many a time we find other channel to divert away our sickness or we share the happiness with another person..but there will be time when we keep thing to ourselves...it abit pointless to share? or it dun realli helps..some ppl might say it beta to say out...but how much do they actualli go thru it themselves..as i said a personal thing other will nv understand...jus like reading my blog do u realli get it, NO.
Hmm when i walk ard..realising how the environment i grew up had undergo such minor changes daily, yearly, till it look so diff.. unfamiliar to me..different angle of sun rays shine upon it..glamouring out it beauty..like a gemstone waiting to be uncover..
when i enlisted..i slept with light shining at me..i couldn't sleep well..kept thinking abt my hse..my family..but it reduntant..dun wanna go on liao..conti to emo liao..bye

BMC P033

2007-12-15T12:32:00.000+08:00

hee the graduation photo from bmc p033.. lol finally after waiting so long..cheers

2007-12-08T17:25:00.000+08:00

I have pass out from smti liao..a full pledge combat paramedic =) but now on intermediate course at navy side..training to become a combat underwater medic.

so far in the course onli 6 ppl..lol..hmm k la not bad la..i ok ok with it..hopefulli i can be post to ops unit where i can sail

been a while i meet fish abit sad haiz..i miss fish..that all..

many things runnin thru me in the mind

2007-11-25T18:55:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.................................................................................haiz this is like some total nonsense..it a total mess..i miss fish..haiz..
alot of things happened.. i having too much confusion..cse coming to an end..army is realli no play play..a moment i was thinking this and then..haiz...
i miss fish. hope fish is alright

alywin's birthday chalet 8th nov' 07

2007-11-11T17:47:00.000+08:00

Alywin my dad birthday actualli is on 14 nov 07 maybe NUS law faculty very bz lor..so celebrate early.. i enjoy myself on that day no word can describe..

flash back?

2007-11-09T12:56:00.000+08:00

After O'level I work for one whole year before enroling into ite simei.

I was actualli in for the course wireless technology but i change to biochem tech. Everything for not that happi for me.. i lost my chance to enrol into nyjc..lose out on my MEP. miss out the thrilling joy in polytechnic where some of my sec mate were. And definitely no chance to enter a foreign country when my home is in tight scenario. Filled with envy; green with envy. Jealous. My fault.

Things move on. I get to know alot frens in there who are like me. They did well i fare fairly..But that beside the point. E point is i met someone. someone who were there. Where i tot she a good fren to me. Could i have a crush?

We were so near yet so far in heart. Dating fail. I'm not good with words. Tongue went wagging.. news spread like fire. I am a cowardy loser.. she distant from me.. we hardly contact.. ideas seem diff..

At the end of day, picture are there but things arent the same they were there..a boy sitting beside a gal in lecture chatting..nonsensing..i miss you..

paramedic-nurse

2007-11-08T18:26:00.000+08:00

Recently i start to reflect back on the days i walk thru with frens. It been 7 weeks after my BMT. I'm grateful how much CDO TI and my buddy, bunk mate, platoon mate, company ppl and all my instructors
I'm some how different slightly be it my LPV my field pack etc a little diff in bmt had make me a so called commando drop out kick out as alan soh and clicks had always call me. It a pity i pop with my frens but did not class up with them.i am post out to figure a new way for myself
i was lucky i got posted to somewhere i learn skill whereby it could relate to daily life and applicable to use on outside world too. I am now a CPR and AED certify personnel. I had learn alot stuff i will nv learn from the unit if i stay on.
Some how or rather this course had a impact on me.. i am now more motivated in life.. i wanna make it someting i can keep on doing for the next part of life, say in three weeks i will be a paramedic level 3 trainned and maybe if i ord or i didnt decide to sign on i might pursue nursing? lol...it all possible now.. and maybe my dream to enter nus?
Tony-commando- medic- ?-

over a bedsheet

2007-11-03T08:59:00.000+08:00

It happened so suddenly. Everyone jus bite on it, " oh gosh it must be ur buddy."

My bedsheet was swap by shamless unknown. Nonetheless it wasn't my buddy who took it..it remind a myth how it jus 'boom' out of my bed.
On wed after our lunch. While i was lying on my bed resting, "Tony! (a bedsheet was flying straight in my direction), nah ur bedsheet". Shandy threw me my bedsheet. I was tired and pretty much stress, thus i didnt bothered to change.

-after training-

"WAT THE HELL, my bedsheet gone!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this one so yellow"

ended on a nice dot jus b4 i book out..

"Tony i really did not take it, sorry for being so angry on my tone. I was tired after guard duty."

My camp is nee soon camp. SMTI a medic training institue. I'm from platoon1 section2 bed 4. My bunk has a well balanced mixture of chi and malay of array education level background, not forgetting the different upbringing.Consisting of 8 people; bunk ic Kenny Soh and his buddy Ariz. The next bed will be JP Su and his buddy Christopher. Then me ex ic and now store ic and my buddy bhad, lastly, Shandy oarade state ic with his buddy eddeham who also the parade stae 2 ic..
It always lively in my bunk with the all stunt star chris. The ocs edde.my irritating voice and nonsense oh edde food is unlimited for us to snack on..and alot other talent show my jp with his self acquire knowledge on many thing shandy friendliness and the laughter of everyone. I love this bunk but not my platoon.
My platoon do have very nice chap and definitely not forgeting to balance it all out with cmi or nasty pie and some jc bonkers mouth shooter. oh man i wont wan to tok alot on these ppl..not now at least.. not worth wasting my time typing it.. but one guy i would be please to mention ALAN SOH a pathetic guy who pitifully come to singapore to serve his 2yrs where his family are in thailand. Therefore he crazily wanna get the overseas attachment. He actualli have a chance ovver all of us reasoning being he is thai speaking but somehow i think he ruin everything with his arroagant. Wat a waste.. And he manage to get himself mark down withthe smoking in non smoking area and got caught..how lucky? and he not all welcome too not to mention he is a kengster..but i think sometimes it jus unfair maybe he will jus get wat he wants. i'm not giving up..i conti to give my best although i will feel lazy sian bored no mood emo at times i will make sure i give my best and dun regret.. may god bless me and everyone in this world. Amen

haven fail yet

2007-10-27T11:57:00.000+08:00

=p so far all my medic tests i haven fail any yet so din get confinement lol. For those who fail hor they confine lor so poor thing..weekend cannot come out onli on sat afternoon then out whereas us we will be out on fri afternoon..haha
yesterday i went to navy medical check up for my UM underwater medic. so far i pass all the selection test liao..so out of the original 23, onli 18 make it so hopefulli all of us get selected in and i get post to changi where it near my place and i can go home daily or go ops on ship for a few months also shiok...lol..maybe sign on there..sian nowadays time in the camp pass by so fast.
so fast i crossig overto my combat phase another 5 more weeks and i am a certify combat fit medic lol cheers..
i kena poke alot in this course lor then poke all fail one sian lol...my vein very hard to get in and get blood ..whereas i poke ppl so good and ez k lol..except a few instance i din one shot one kill when i do iv( is like the water bag thingy? u need to poke the person to install the tube in it then connect to water..the tube or catheter must be in vein then success if not in the flessh the meat wil flood with water haha)
yeah so sian now..i miss fish lol swim siwm swim..my face now alot scar ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. k la later then write more cock if got timee....

爱

2007-10-21T18:11:00.000+08:00

爱活在心上, 不是时间可轻易打断.
就算是交会时短, 记忆会超越岁月边界.

爱活在心上, 不收谁的决定改变方向.
你真爱过, 这就是答案.

hmm..

2007-10-07T01:57:00.000+08:00

tots for the brain again..i realise after so long of army training i not use to the outside world...or shd i say i prefer army life lol..it's better for me

i love my army life for now..but i wonder can i stay in it for as long as i wan..sign on in there?.. and para medic is making me feel like studying nurse and be a nurse lol...i siao again.. having many tot abt future now lol..i realise i still owe 3 company a total of 3k sian...wait i now dun koe wat to say..eh wait i go watch the bao jia wei guo later then conti up more news

Camp Depression syndrone?

2007-10-06T12:22:00.000+08:00

finally?

2007-10-03T13:54:00.000+08:00

Been trying my best to write..but everytime i wanna write sure got smthing holding me or i bz lol..Finally i am super free now on a wednesday afternoon stuck in the medical centre of my camp. waiting to see mo(medical officer) for my foot..abit rotting sob sob..
BTW i am posted to be a medic. I am no longer in cdo ti le.. so sad..i miss all the ppl there la..but bo bian..kena post out..in case none of my viewer koe, i pass my bmt in commando =p i got my jungle hat lol!!!!
Anyway life here abit sian and pack..whole day do nothign but jus simply have alot of sleepy theory lesson..kinda drown by it lor..then alot practical also..not enough admin time at all...usually i sleep ard 10 plus k?!
anyway i had my life iv injection yesterday..i one shot one kill lor so happy..at least i manage it well with the help of SGT Sammatha...and nothing is really interesting here except on some morning whereby i can do some 4 km run with my ex commando ppl..not so bad la.. i still get to see some of them =p
this is my 2nd week in nee soon camp liao.. was the onli combat fit commando bmt trainne that get post out to here..i still remember on my first week ( last week)_ i was assigned IC of my platoon la it abit stupid lor.. the reason i was choosen was becoz i am the onli guy from outside unit and was from cdo ti..the other mainly BMTC and some from sar and some sir...o0k la my platoon ic was fun i like it.. i get to koe alot of fren seriously alot lor..but mainly the chi..the malay i not so close.. they also not so close with me..some dun liek me also... haha oh as a ic i suck in countign strength..too big lor my platoon 80 plus lei..but after i let down my duty i super good at counting now.. lol i stil the chi ppl ic wheneva it meal time la..coz the muslim need to fast..yeah so yeah..
so yah not enough sleep recently..even though i went home also din really stay at home much..jus last week la i din sleep at home at all lol..faint lor.. i am out too often i guess.. and last last week me and my ex ite mates meet up for dinner.. everyone still great but i think some ppl change lol.. but still i miss this fun grp of ppl lo...
and i had a lot of fun time meeting my mum fren lol all the auntie... they very sweet to me lor make food for me etc...so touch so warmth...
And not forgetting fish..it had been and will be nice to have fish with me at all times. and we had a long weekend together recently..i really misss my fish alot..hugs..but still i am single.. and for nowstill my future quite gg.. so see how things go..hopefulli i make my mark in medic course..
For honour and glory. Amen.

2 pic where my fren look nicer then me

2007-08-31T15:09:00.000+08:00

back from 8 days field camp

2007-08-25T18:44:00.000+08:00

when clubbing with alywin and my god kor simeon cum a guy i dun koe nvm got pic to post!!! lol hope the guy dun mind.. lol dun have a proper clothed pic so make do with this till i get the pic we took at club ba..
First time so fun at club dun koe why..maybe more ppl to dance with more gals?! haha no la...btw i attracted two indian gal who are older then me and they said, " Oh , i thought u were a hongkonger..." diao my english so cannot make it meh!?
/anyway the point is I HAD A HELL LOAD OF FUN LAST NIGHT AT THE CLUB !!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU ALYWIN SIMEON LESTER!! oh yeah and simeon g-f.
eh quite shag after the 8 days field camp..realise how tough the training are and were... actualli bmtc ppl quite fortunate lol we everything also trainin extra ONE... ppl 6 i 8 days lol..diao..
been raining during the 8 days la dun koe is good or bad..at least i weren't physically over heated lol.. and i manage to pull through the 8 days even though if i won't make it to commando vocational training i will be happi..coz i did my best and i completed wat i could rather then ppl outside who never even went through but jus nag and nag abt it..that the lowest ppl ard.. onli talk the talk and nv walk the walk(talk)
It's definitely a eye opener for me..i see how we struggle how we bond how everyone grow how ppl whine how some jus give up and other rooting them up.. we were like light shoning for one another . Pillar for the weak soul of everyone. i see smiley face. i seen teary face. Alot and alot..that army life?at its bmt phase.. I found out who the rreal one and who the fake who the one really doing it and who arent..who weak and who is strong..wateva it is the point is I SEE A LOT OF THING HAPPENED!!

prior to those on top i have to thank god and everyone who root me up and support me through. encourage me to brave through this storm.. and 2 more weeks and 3 days we will pop together i hope. getting our cdo jungle hat..FOr honour and glory

I met fish. Feeling change. Has it become a habit. Was I disappointed? Could it be i have awaken to reality. I grew out of it. I learn to stand now. I dun deny i am weak..naive to the evils..innocent to the cunnings..still i pray for all there's ard me, may they find peace with themselves. Amen.
I tried a new drink sex on the beach it was wonderful!!! hee no more long island tea k lol...i cant describe how bored i was and superly sian i was ..though i was out..but i am inevitably lighten up by someone some how somewhere ..someting could jus happened w/o u koeing/./ it could jus be a moment and be gone.. but be glad u once grab it and u have it jus beside u and always in ur heart as a stored data more on the hard disk rather then the temp folder..
i reach home ard 4 undeniable shag but i wake up at the ring of my 650 alarm. i rush out . late for the even organised by my camp..(5mins onli) then i rot there thinking abt yest..mesmerising abt it..drooling? ops...
and b4 i knew it, i was at manhattan having lunching with my bunk mate...REYNER wear something i like alot lol..we shared the platters..I rush a gain. BAck to homne for piano..the teacher late la..got abit time to pract lor lol... but turn out we did sonatas no more ff liao so sad... i heard next week i am not booking out how sad..butjus have to tahan it lor... tml i leaving home early to meet jasper to try out SOC trainin abit lor..sigh,,,last effort?

May God bless everyone, in Jesus name i pray. Amen!

A tough week

2007-08-10T23:07:00.000+08:00

u will not imagine how hard i push today. I have no regrets.

today is det challenge. sadly we didnt get the no 1 i wanted we didnt become best platoon. But we are onli 40s slow?then the winning team.. i am damn proud of everyone. It a moment that will be written deep in my heart and maybe my det's
at the last lap i totally gone le..mentally i was dragging myself..i realise how powerful the brain can be when even ur legs given up..gradualli i pass my loads to other..was i a burden?..when i reach near end one of my det mate even have to carry me go on for a while, thanks.
we completed together and then i totally relieve my brain and became unstable? and was on the verge of fainting.. but lucky i was will attend to by my medics..! they are a well skilled bunch of magic ppl.. haha i am much beta.Thanks..

anyway one of the medic chat with me thru out..in fact the first medic to attend to me.. he told me he want to be a nurse..i wish him luck..

national day i was stuck at home.. nth interesting,,skip...

before that i was having my field trip..WOW fanstatic..look forward to my 8 days with my det mates.. and may god bless us in the name of jesus AMen

this interesting weekend

2007-08-05T12:58:00.000+08:00

whoa! This weekend really fascinate me. I got to book out at friday night. To attend a jovial run of 8 km with friend. Though i was the last 2nd to come in i did make it in time to return and manage the 8 km hee ^.^

Rush home to practise my piano..sob cannot learn finish the whole song of zanarkland..sigh i am lousy..if onli there's piano in camp and i got more time?lol..anyway i starting on a new song ff x2 song also lol 1000 words hee..very nice one hahaha..

Then i rush out to meet my friend nerder..went to ps and walk down orchard!! very new to me like that lor.. haven been to down for a long time..i got gucosamide and multivit didnt manage to get amino acids from gnc...oh and some one recognise me outside when i dun lol..they are from my platoon and there this guy from platoon 4 elrick i think..then when i went over my fren area i saw my beloved det4..so cool la..fate brought us together and i jus so in luck saw them? wat a big conincidence..i'm glad i went for the dinner? or supper.. the feeling was great.. the happy atmosphere..the bond?
it was slightly run and complicated place for those coming on their own lol..my fren drove me to bishan and back lol then found it. Happy birthday DENNIS HAW GAO QIANG.
i nv have such a fruitful weekend.. did all i wanted and have to..see my fren see my det..so love everyone..
nv a day will i forget wat i had went thru together with my detachment4 my platoon 2 my bravo company and my camp.. god bless everyone.. thank you everyone for their effort in pushing..i am touch, move etc by it.. may the day come soon when i will not be a burden to them anymore..hugs.

life in the green place

2007-07-28T15:43:00.000+08:00

it been 6 weeks already..things in there are pretty much okay..lol alot things cannot say lor..got ppl will come online read then charge me so scared =(

anyway my wt abt same then still so short pimples like the past or maybe alot more..still so lazy so slack so emo and fragile..jus kena emo attack yesterday damn sad..haiz..not toking abt it then this morning injured myself cause i din manage to do somethign i wanted that cause me to be emo..resulting in myself doing the morning training then while doing the training i accidentally landed with my right leg tilted when i jump off from the platform..now limping..quite bad i think sigh...

lotsa emotional updown when i am inside..sigh ...often have to bite hard and pull through..many a times i wanna give up but haiz alreaady bloody hell in there liao if give up sure kena sour by thousands or million lol...

okie la i tok abit abt the ppl there i get to koe so far

in my white litted room there's a total of 14 ppl including me lq.. one will be foreva inside liao..the other 12 after a couples of years will bye bye lor..

half of the ppl in my room were formerly from the fail nafra then enter early group..

1wai kit

2Me

3Say Ee

4Reyner

5Sara

6Samuel

7Dennis(the 4eva stuck inside one =0)

then another 7 guys each attach to the 7 on top..

1st one is

Jasper

Then my buddy aloysius Ng

kenneth

yi wei

alvin

aloysius lim

alan

all very significantly special in playing a crucial roles in my life in this wide spread of greenery lol

wai kit- he is frank. Straight to the point never beat around the bush
jasper- the guy who's wardrobe beside mine..
me- a stupid fat short ugly guy.
my buddy- also nothing much..good guy..
say ee- a strict guy..caring guy..care for ppl
his buddy kenneth-stay pasir ris onli so good after book out can simply walk home la
reyner- a bit desperate for gals?>.<
his buddy yi wei-the body super define?
sara- a super body building freak?onli indian in my bunk
his buddy alvin- kindly send the injured me back home yesterday.(thanks)
samuel-a super meticulous guy who assist and help the bunk regarding laundry etc ..cleaning stuff la
his buddy aloysius lim- eh dun koe him that well but he dun listen to 933 de so sad...like reyner onli eat potato(jiat kang dang)
then the super forever stuck inside dennis- superb leadership..but due to his one word i was
strip of the chance to do guard duty on friday when i was already selected( was superly affected...-_-) then i conti with sat training(did he tot i was escaping it lol no la i am not..i never run away from my training..but i think everyone koes that i was superly looking forward to a friday GD. jus my luck...)anyway i injured myself during the training...as i said i super injured my ankle...now at home cannot even go out..onli can go practise my piano..lol learning Zanarkand FF10 piano song...now a days not much time to practise piano liao coz onli book out on weekend..
Then it dennis buddy alan- head shaped slighly sharp..the zi dan dou(bullet head) very smart guy?gpa 3.91 eh not very clear abt him

conclusion not so sure abt those new guy but i koe everyone is nice and new hope will get to bond well and do well in green together and move on to get a red?
dying at home cannot go running coz raining and 2nd superly injured lol cannot walk properly..look like a idiot practising piano lol..

some stupid things i did in there
1) i brought my bolster in>?<
2)still the same mass...dots...booking in soon

2nd book out

2007-06-30T21:32:00.000+08:00

feeling the stress in army liao..i will endure..for honour and glory..determination and discipline lol..i miss alot ppl

1st book out

2007-06-24T15:35:00.000+08:00

the feeling is refreshing lor..though onli can stay home rot awhile lol..i make spec and bought a new watch..haha
so great to come home..see my loved ones...lol wat i can say is army is not as tough la..it all in the mind..so endure and u will be rewarded..
i seem to lost somethign haiz...something i can neva earn back..
feeling emo..in fact last week during training there were times i was affected when this feeling creeps back into me..haiz..
i miss alot of my friends..but i definitely not scared of going back..
dun koe wat nonsense i am writing ..dun wan to type le..i miss alot ppl..army is fun..i might really jus sign on if i can make it cheers

teary heart of cheery

2007-06-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

This is the last weeked and next week is my last weekday.

Today is my last day of work. I was late(very).
I taught everything i know to Elisa(Jia Min) I said my thank you to the staffs..I recieve alot of advice.

I went to SMU band and i meet up with My EX eillen and my ting(daughter)

I'm just feeling low..

...i miss a lot of precious friends.. Wanna say "thanks" to alot of impt ppl.. wanna hug alot of buddies..

I feel lonely right now.

A cheery crying..inside..

I miss u.

tony procrastinate until an opportunity is lost...|..

2007-06-07T10:27:00.000+08:00

I will be always mindful about the issues I have in life. Not forgetting those experiences in ITE college east.

I got to know a girl whom i like but never did anything; not to mention i don't know wat to do either. I ponder over it at times and kept on thinking. This issue wasn't address directly and I lost this opportunity and could had hurt someone i guess.

I regret it. If I was given a chance again I would definitely ask the question during dinner when we were happily enjoying it we the joys of being together. I just miss you so.

The question would be, " would you mind being with me? I want you as my girlfriend!"

Thing lost could sometimes never be retrieve back. There might be a chance of grasping it once again. But will it happened? I'm pending on miracle.

Whoa last 2nd day at moe work liao lol..it so nice to be a tc all this while..it was boring and yeeah not really fun..but the environment make up for it. There's very nice ppl here..and fast connecting internet speed lolx..ops..
But i still always late and make alot big small mistake in it lor wth..lucky the ppl isnt that @#%!%!$# so yeah they always take in it..now coming to the last 2nd day they so call tell me abt it and ask me to not make any more mistake in this 2 days and leave this place a safe careful guy! coz i am gonna be a commando? lol..they worried for me i guess..thanks so much!!!hugs..

Yesterday was out with mj lor chiong to N*S then do some apllication fill up ..hope she will get it..aiyah i koe my brother sure can de lor LOL...

haiz after i went there..the urge came back again lor..the desire? It in me la i wan to enter N*S lol(yeah ns too, sound same hor N*S and NS)but i seem so far from it now..haiz..actualli if not for this ambition i could had settle with the idea to sign on long ago liao..MY MUM did ask me whether i got regret not doing well..i realli did not lei.. lol..i enjoy my this slack life though..haiz but now i onli 遗憾 is cannot enter my N*S..dream school.. It jus an honour to enter there..though after graduate liao still have to work like crazy but.it really a dream..the shortest and unrealistic way is to study A level lol..the long way will be poly..but i still wan sign on lei lol..haiz..i might just try taking A level..N*S and SOMEONE I LIKE...MAYBE it N*S

幸福双人床 EP 20 ending [will wenjing forgive Steven?]

2007-06-01T02:14:00.001+08:00

i like this song..so teary while listeining to it and thinking of yucai while i blog abt her

My thoughs abt Yu Cai

2007-06-01T01:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes we seem near but yet far in heart. She is there and i'm beside her.

By now most should have found out that i like Yu Cai. Feeling wouldn't that strong when i was in yr 1. It was during year 2 end that i carry a torch for her. Was in awe of her character her personality.. She is special. I can't tell u where or how.

JB0504B- i was in this class in yr1.

Yu Cai came into my life during the time of mar 2006. I started out by sitting beside her in AC lesson. PLaying tennis together too in tennis trainings.

JB0504Q- i was in this class in yr2

Yu Cai became one of the person i hang out most in class..i walk her to the 24 bus stop outside expo. i sit beside her more often wheneva possible..

Setsco- i was in this company for attachment in yr 2

At first we meet up to go work together. we go back together. we sms each other during work. i met her once when i was out on site for lunch so happi. we had our 1st dinner at fish and co glass hse. we went out. we started a miscommunication. she dun realli understand me le.we dun meet after work. i ask her out during valentine; failed. we dun realli sms le. we dun tok so much le.

as times goes by everything went bland many jus think maybe we are not for each other.

I dun koe wat to do. i am left with 14 days to enlisting. I miss her.

=p

2007-05-29T10:00:00.000+08:00

`*___ 我往往觉得... 我常忽略到在我眼里所谓的“琐琐碎碎”的事物... 但其实，我可能错过了一个美好的机会或意想不到的事情…___*`但……　那已经太迟了!`____

Still so sleepy now..finish all my work liao both my lao po and her brother is sick! Sigh peter(her bro) sin do well again..worried for him he very emo one..hope he is alright.GET WELL SOON..

yesterday went running very early in the morning..from my hse all the way to ecp then went back(kena blister on foot lol so pain)..faint..next time jus go swimming beta lol..
i got to meet up with my old old fren yesterday(paolo from sws) he invited me to go smu band( i so despo to go can.lol) look forward to friday goign there to play..(blow)
recently koe some weird nerd lol.DARREN(sometimes very freaky sometimes very super ncie hugs) sian later might blog again..

more pic from ZW

2007-05-27T20:30:00.000+08:00

e gal i like is in the collection of pics in here was at hua and yu cai one too..haiz i no guts or dun koe how to jio her..i am useless i lost the chance liao..now i going army le..sian..miss u gal

unjustified
so sad and disappointed.. my heart jump a beat lol

...

while waiting for ns..

2007-05-27T16:10:00.000+08:00

Recently super broke lor..then meet alot interesting and weird ppl(be it online or outside lol)

sian no money wanna go enjoy and drink till drop dead also can't..haiz dun wan to work also can't..NS times for first few months onli get 400 lor so ke lian..so next month i enter(jus nice the pay come but can't use coz inside) then july come out will have abit money ba..so sian poor poor..wan to go out also dun dare..but dun wan to stay at home la!!! so sian...

haha alot ppl still cannot believe or take it that i enter the special operation tactics centre..wth..anyway alot ppl say not necessary be commando(wth if dun become commando then waste my time lor lol cannot jump parachute liao lor) haiz see how la..i wan to enjoy my 2 yrs in there if i decide not to sign on

yesterday i meet up with a new frendarren(nerd) was quite okay..haven had such a vulgar normal fren for sometimes so not use to it..so ez agitated one..remind me of some arroagant ah beng but not realli he still kind kind one..but like super unstable lol cannot explain hwo it like,,,was a roller coaster ride lor so fun...sian then the stupid idiotic peter play us out( he say he was sleeping dun koe real of not maybe meet other guys or gals lor..) then in the end say wan call me also nv call..haiz army boi like him? cannot be trusted..or is it this the 2nd time so he dun tend to treasure this unknown open rs frenship? lol..diao nvm la i so used to it la i think i going in soon i can be as bz as him and learn to ignore or be some dao gia la..吊起来卖（like sell urself at a beta price lol) fine lor..i will have the privilage soon wth..hate ppl who dun keep word or forget wat they promise(though i myself too commit the wrong too)
but coz now i sian ma i need ppl ard me then all like that to me..k lor when i go ns i think i won't bother abt u guy(the nasty one) jus enjoy myself tok hp with my good buddy mj lol..and go out eat eat..catch up and ignore nasty ppl..

i am super naive and nice one lor..i very gentle to the extend many say i sissy can..so dun bulli me la!!! lol yeah i wan to go out but i poor now so yeah..wth sian...i now left 1.90 in my wallet lol..sian..recently i very nonsense lol i write out whether i am horny or not on my msn but it is true lol

oh yeah i still rmb the day i went back for grad so not fun one..like this grp not as gd as last time liao ppl go their own way le and the teacher like take their last chance to say me (coz they koe i kena that camp) sian..is that their way of encouraging useless ppl like me lol..

recently alot of rude ppl lor..so bad they ask whether i am fat or not..wau liao damn rude can lol..cannot take it..okie la i am fat boi..as i write this feeling damn childish lol but i like being like that wu you wu lu i think spell wrongly it smthg like cant be bother care less life lol..

for noe i am disturb by my fren ard me haiz..sian..jus accompany that all i ask very hard meh!..fish very bz recently so won't be seeing her for sometimes till i enlist? haiz..hugs..i love myself but i need some one who can protect me.. waiting and waiting tilll i find the right one but it like impossible will the person not be a flirt? lol

23rd june 07

2007-05-26T15:03:00.000+08:00

yeah i went to q for the donut thing lol so long 3 hrs then saw this couple smooch for 3 hr so sian..was with ting i had fun lol

graduation day photos(courtesy of YU CAI and Wan Hua)

2007-05-26T09:37:00.000+08:00

21st may

2007-05-22T11:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Dovern's Bdae haha very old liao..din manage to spend time to celebrate with him lol..heard he went power hse on his bdae morning..wow..he manage a love bite(mark) from his fren lol fandy (so omg la) yeah he told me abt it lol..even ask me to help him erase it off..

i recieve one mango cake from him..coz he cannot finish it..i already fnish half in the office liao lol..so bored la.then not really hungry..

HAPPI BELATED BDAE FOR HIM!!! and thanks so much...

2007-05-20T16:01:00.000+08:00

Eh this couple very matchy hor..but they are bro and sister la can?..so wow lor!!!...

anyway yeah i haven upload the pic i took into my com so yeah...no pic for sometimes till i hardworking enough to upload...so bored lor...

recently been drinking like siao can...worried for my liver and haha not so much on my tummy will miss it la..

sian sian sian

Recently many asking abt fish(it a name) but yeah i dun koe how to answer u guy la take it as i am crazy and despo till i imagine out this person..yesh i am not attach at all ..no dates.. and i like yu cai..haiz

been some times since we meet up can..last fridat actualli wanted to ask her out then i feverish then the dinner was cancel haiz..i miss the time i sit beside her toking nonsense and not listening to the boring lectures, but it all too late..she nv mine to begin with..aiayh i go get my phone then upload pic..

yeah upload le oh yeah my stupid recent look wai t ah

me in office oh and my lunch(always..so much things but onli 2bucks extra 50cents for the popiah lol) and one very nice chalk art...

as u can see it by someone call julian somthing..can't see lol( not i take the pic thomas took it )

saw some gals on frenster

2007-05-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

http://www.friendster.com/user.php?statpos=bc&uid=3450009

Yeah she is Wei Pei. I ever date her b4 but din work out..in the end of my brother(godbrother) snatch her from me.贱
haiz so sad la to see all this but i miss them..jus like i miss my ex

...........................................

today didn't wan to wake up 赖床。think recently not enough sleep lor..yawn so tired..today the company ppl saw me late la sian coz i come after 9..usualli if i late then come b4 9 no one will koe..i suppose to start830 lol..this time really kena la..lol(i overslept on train too untill dover)

then come here..my super ask alot thing abt work la..she say very 乱...pls lor..lol

My fren andy injured in camp..his knee cap pain pain..if he book out i will go find him and take care of him

Oh yeah today is Tan Tai Hock Bdae mj told me last night( big guys like us dun rmb such thign lols) so yeah i wish him last nigt(1am) then this morning tok to him on msn..i keep asking him go Uni lol.. dots..
another boring day..i ask yu cai out for dinner last night(dun koe whether she will come or will have somethign on later so yeah) i sometimes find dating 麻烦cause dun koe where to go and enjoy(also i quite tight on cash(always)) so yeah dots la..one thing singapore is small la..i onli can think of going to orchard then shop there then eat there..haiz..datin is hard..i dun koe how to get a gal i think...lol..chim lei

i onli koe how to date them then eat liao jus ask the qns meh? can't be ba? and is the qns 1) will u wan to be my date OR 2) will u wan to be my stead? lol confusing haiz..why can't it be str8 forward like me and my ex i like her so i ask str8 in her face (hey can be my gf anot!) lol k la i am cheapo..sian nth to write le..will go take my lunch pic and the stall later and my office and me in office

oh i wearing the shirt Yu Cai and Kitty bought for me together(suppose to be a bdae shirt) they bought this shirt coz that day after work we have a small ite classmates cum fren gathering so yeah my shirt dirty so i wan a shirt then they got for me..it a polo tee and i like it alot..in fact i dun have much polo tee and i cherish this shirt(very meaningful)
Hopefully meet for dinner(that why i am wearing this shirt) hee LO(very)Lx..write more later..

Every Singaporean Son (SAF National Service Video)

2007-05-16T17:20:00.001+08:00

cruel singaporean teacher

2007-05-16T17:17:00.001+08:00

oh i finally see this video the famous one

RK House

2007-05-16T16:40:00.001+08:00

very funny(but a bit mean)

cannot think out a title =(

2007-05-16T10:15:00.000+08:00

30 days to enlistment

Today i reach workplace ard 9(btw i start at 830 hor)
But it okay la coz every other ppl start at 9..so even if i come early it still me alone..sian..so this 30 is like the grace allowance for being late..lol..赚到
现在在办公司里真的好闷。所以我试用华语来书写，但是还真难喔！哈哈....
k i am lazy to write in chi..dun koe alot of han yu pin yin...lol..

yesterday night went out with fren to walk walk..yes literally walk..we walk from chai chee to bedok north st 3 then to bedok town park..i got home ard 130? And prepare one cup of whisky coke(extra whisky) then chat till nearly3 then sleep..that y now a bit sleepy..but not as tired as yesterday lol..
Oh my fren is in np mass com. He was tellin me how haunted that parent building was. And the 2 storey was out of bound for all. Unless with authorization from the principal, there's no way to get in onli the principal got the keys.(lol no comments)

my throat feeling sore now. OH YEAH i cut my hair yesterday night!!!!! it freaking short now la ( dun compare with ns men i consider it short lor ) but it nice i think..and yesterday like alot of e ppl i koe cut hair if not is there's ppl saying that i should cut hair and i did lol.

True wisdom lies in gathering the precious moments out of each day. hugs

Paris Hilton Star are blind

2007-05-16T02:42:00.001+08:00

i like this song

陈绮贞 - 旅行的意义

2007-05-16T02:23:00.001+08:00

many cry while watching it

life xome stand still

2007-05-15T12:42:00.000+08:00

yeah..feel very uneasy today..was it due to the moody me?or was it me being purely tired?
I was very depress yesterday..for the same old reason..(i think i need to go cut hair again)

I eat my lunch alone again..i leave my office at 12 and went to market to have a 2dollar lunch..it quite a big portion..that stall always have long quene one. And mind u it a vegetarian stall.(selling onli set choiceless vege..except the rice and bee hoon or noodle other then that everyone have the same thing be it the cabbage, pork(red red thign) the goose(fried thigny) or duck(the brown ting) )
yeah that my lunch and i feel so down..i actually starting to count down for my ns le..it 30days more as from today onwards..

Jus now one of my fren in sabah as me this qns: "how are you?"
I find it a cliche kinda question whereby often ppl ask it out of courtesy and hardly anymore really wan the answer behind the real qns.
SO i din bother to answer the qns correctly to a large extent, "i am fine", but i did ask him to read thing here if he really wanna koe wat in it for me all this while in my life.

frankly speaking if possible in future if anyone ask me the qns i hope i could tell them this, "i am deeply in need of money and i'm not sure when i can return u if u lend me can u help me out?", isn't this more meaningful? Truly i am deadly in need of money..as the saying goes "a person's meat might be another venom" somethign like that lol..it jus ring a bell here but not much meaning or sit in here lolx..

i have been saying i am single and not available..it because i dun wish to purposefulli search for one and to be together awhile and break again. It pretty much irritating and i am sick of such relationship. So yeah i am single and not available till the right one come. Though i thirst for love arrival to be soon but i will wait.

how i rank it : career love family money pride

Recently the thoughts abt signing on keep getting back. I seriously have no aim or anything i wan in life.(for now) so this army so called provide me the stability and security i need. A obvious choice. The alternatives are continuign study or work in the society( not army that is ).

haiz sian why am i 20 liao.. and still hanging in mid air watching and seeing ppl get wat they wan and wat they have plan(how come some ppl jus seem to have a great picture of their life and yet i don't? aren't we all human homosepia (spell wrongly lol) ? )

ultimate sian in life now..

Tony feeling lost and confuse.

我不是个很友善的人，但绝非冷漠；我不是不善敷衍，只是不嚣作假

2007-05-15T00:30:00.000+08:00

oh this is my sec sch band in syf 2007

I am feeling at the lowest of my life again..
Yes i am enlist into commando training camp.(you guy got a problem with it?)
Yes i am sissy.(YOu guys got a big problem with it?)
Yes i am dumb(why is it any fuck of urs?)
fuck off la..stop commenting on ppl.!! dun like me jus ASs out man stupid fuck up asswipes..cheapo..
i dun need ur comment. I love the way i am be it sissy fat short dumb or wat?fuck it la it me tony!!
ANd yeah i love FIsh and i miss fish!..skip out of my lists man..
SO sick today din go work. Whoa..i love it..i am slacker..

singlehood

2007-05-10T22:43:00.000+08:00

Single- being alone? not attached. No stead.

but i am not available. Not ready. My mind oso keep having fish.

Fish i miss u.

Yoz

2007-05-04T11:25:00.000+08:00

WOW F***ing long neva upload my blog la!!coz internet terminated..wth right..some stupid guy la help him sign line then nv pay then kena my internet sian..
NOw working at moe so most of the time will be relyign on my office com liao lol..eh i enlisting in 15 june i entering pasir ris camp la..to train to become future commando lol..so happi eh dun koe wat to write liao so sian i practically finish all my work in the moring(10am) and i jus watch finish bleach ep.124
Basically i got nothing to do now..and i dun wanna ask for more tasks..not that they have and it out of wat i am task to do lol..oh man...rotting

因为陌生，所以勇敢，因为距离，所以美丽。

2007-04-03T02:43:00.000+08:00

it very meaningful hope u guy like it haha

http://planet.time.net.my/klcc/chenhong82/mail/nice.htm

经典~~~~幸运！！
作者: 夏提克发表日期: 2002-04-15 13:00:00 返回《水晶之恋》
人生走错一步就很难在回头了,你们要走路要小心呀!哈哈!!!走错了会后悔的
　
不管你是否迷信，这个网页都应该读一下，好吗？这是密教图腾上的文字。读了这封信后的四天内，你会有好运来临。把这封信邮寄给几个你想要祝福的人。有许许多多人，也许你已经淡忘了，如果仍然在你的心里，他们也一样会得到幸运。我不会给你钱，因为我没有。
给你生活的忠告:多吃些粗粮.给别人比他们自己期许的更多，并且用心去做熟记你喜欢的诗歌不要轻信你听到的每件事，不要花光你的所有，不要想睡多久就睡多久。无论何时说“我爱你”，请真心实意。无论何时说“对不起”，请看着对方的眼睛。相信一见钟情。永远不要忽视别人的梦想。深情热烈地爱，也许你会受伤，但这是使人生完整的唯一方法。用一种明确的方法解决争议，不要冒犯。永远不要以貌取人。慢慢地说，但要迅速地想。当别人问你不想回答的问题时，笑着说“你为什么想知道？”记住那些敢于承担最大风险的人才能得到最深的爱和最大的成就。给妈妈打电话。如果不行，至少在心里想着她。当别人打喷嚏时，说一声“妈妈保佑”。如果你失败了，千万不要忘记汲取教训。记住三个“尊”：尊重你自己；尊重别人；保持尊严，对自己的行为负责。不要让小小的争端损毁了一段伟大的友谊。无论何时你发现自己做错了，竭尽所能去弥补。动作要快！无论什么时候打电话，摘起话筒的时候请微笑，因为对方能感觉到！找一个你爱聊的人结婚，因为当年龄大了以后，你会发觉喜欢聊天是一个人最大的优点。找点时间，单独呆会儿。欣然接收改变，但是不要摒弃你的个人理念。记住，沉默是金。多看点书，少看点电视。过一种高尚而诚实的生活。当你年老时回想起过去，你就能再一次享受人生。相信自己，但是别忘了锁门。家庭的融洽氛围是难能可贵的。尽你的全力让家平顺和谐。当你和你亲近的人吵嘴的时候，试着就事论事，不要扯出那些陈芝麻，烂谷子的事。不要摆脱不了昨天。多注意言下之意。和别人分享你的知识，那才是永恒之道！善待我们的地球。不要愚弄自然母亲。忙自己该做的事。不要相信接吻时从不闭眼的伴侣。每年至少去一个你从没去过的地方。如果你赚了很多钱，在活着的时候多行善事。这是你能得到的最好回报。记住有时候，不是最好的收获也是一种好运。深刻理解所有的规则，合理地更新他们。记住：最好的关系存在于对别人的爱胜于对别人的索求之上。回头看看你发誓取得的目标，然后评判你到底有多成功。无论是烹调还是爱情，都用百分之百的负责态度对待，但是不要期求太多的回报。

因为陌生，所以勇敢，因为距离，所以美丽。

　　　　　 ┏━━┓我　　　●╭○╮　我┏━━┓

　 ┃天长┃想°☆ /█∨█\ ☆ 爱┃曾经┃

┃地久┃你　　　∏　∏　　你┃拥有┃

┗━━┛　 ·☆爱你一生☆·　┗━━　　　　　　　　　　

sUntann

2007-04-03T01:20:00.000+08:00

Suntanning at sentosa from 12-4 plus.. but like no effect, still so red or not tann la..lol..dots dots..I wanna take music grading sei, oh heard abt the yu yao. Heard his O's very good but fail eng haiz..la..
Sian nowadays jus sianing away tml band
wed also
thur also fri maybe sat got..so this month is jus band band band so slack slack..sian sian rot rot..and figuring how to play flute betta..la.la.